


Blue Epiphany

by Code520



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Chaptered, Drama, Drama & Romance, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Gay, Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Original Fiction, Romance, Teen Angst, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Code520/pseuds/Code520
Summary: In a library, books fill people with any type of imaginary feelings through words. However, who would have told Amano Yuu, just a normal 17-years-old teenager, that he would find love in such a place. Akiyama Mamoru, the security guard of the place. So to make Amano confess, Midorikawa Ryou, his best friend, helped him. What Amano couldn't have imagined is that the more Midorikawa pushed him to Akiyama, the more Amano fell in love with his best friend. But having feelings for both, who would he choose? Only time could tell.
Relationships: Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Male Character & Original Male Character, Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 10
Kudos: 1





	1. Crossing Ways

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistake, English is not my mother tongue.

Night was coming slowly, as peaceful as always. Stars, the moon, some clouds in the middle. All of that was highlighting in that darkness. The clouds were moving to the South thanks to the Autumn wind that was cooling down the temperature day after day. I wondered if they were going to cry again that night over the city, if my soul would be reflected again in them as if my own feelings could be drawn in the sky. My eyes continued observing it without possibility of being attracted by anything else. Because after all, the night sky had a special magic that mesmerized me undoubtedly. There was no day I did not stay in the library until late just to return home while admiring the landscape of my city with those colourful lights, giving shape to the buildings and streets. But what I loved the most was how I looked back after going downstairs in front of the library’s main door and I could see the trees, which surrounded it, moving their branches and leaves softly, letting go some of them as they announced Autumn was arriving.

The sound was magical. Pure nature inside of me. Sometimes I even closed my eyes to focus my sensations into hearing that incredible melody. All the anxiety or stress I could have in my life disappeared every time I did that after a hard day with preparatory and studies. Library was my place to hide from my life and get lost into thousands of stories which made me travel to uncounted places and learn infinite knowledge. That was why I was already friend with the security guard who was in charge of closing the building everyday because he had to always ask me to go at the closing time. There was no day I didn’t have to apologize for causing him problems regarding forgetting to check the hour, so slowly we ended up chatting a few of times. With my poor social skills, I understood he was a nice guy, otherwise he would only hate me for making his job harder.

Actually, he was the only one who I knew in that library, and of course who I talked with. I never went with someone else and just cared of the book I had in my hands. Talking with the rest of people there was just a mere coincidence if the situation brought the chance. Although, I probably could tell who was new and who was regular because even if I was always reading, when I needed to make a pause and rest my eyes, I kept staring at everyone there. So I ended up knowing there was a mother who always took his two children with her to read some books or that there was a group of university students who went there every Wednesday to study and help each other. Also, I knew there was a writer who was starting to write his own book or a girl who always went to check new science-fiction books.

And my own ability to know others by just looking at them made me wonder if they could know me too by just looking at me and my habit of going there every evening after classes. What would they think of me then? Was I weird? Was I different? Or was I like them? Those thoughts filled my mind constantly, bothering me because the least thing I wanted was being noticed by someone. I didn’t have friends or a family who paid me attention. I found my own way by walking alone. By not caring about anyone else. It wasn't like I kicked everyone out of my side, but somehow everyone ended up finding better friends than me, forgetting that I ever existed. So I learned it was better to live alone. Or that was what I thought.

*****

_His hand was warm, touching her cold cheek during that winter night, in front of a magnificent Christmas tree, what was illuminating the whole place. The dinner, the presents, nothing was better than being with her after fighting so much. Happiness wasn't enough to describe what he was feeling inside his chest every time their eyes met in that comfortable ambient. Then, slowly, feeling the need of showing the truth in his words, he approached her to press his lips-._

Suddenly, I closed the book. The noise was too loud to be in a library, but luckily, no one was there already. So it made me realize the hour too and when my blue eyes tried to find a clock around, they found the security guard walking towards me. My face only showed frustration with a grimace followed by a sigh. Right after, I stood up and started to pack the few things I took there. The man only kept there, in front of me with a warm smile. The embarrassment only grew up, though.

“Which book is this time?” his voice echoed in the big room and I raised my gaze, getting nervous by talking with him again. There was no way I could maintain a chat with someone without feeling anxious.

“Two Roses In Christmas” I answered shyly, I was even doubting if he could have heard me properly. Luckily, it was silent enough to even listen to a fly, so he just laughed out of the blue.

“That book is really interesting during the murder part, but the end...” he spoke while frowning an eyebrow, indicating only with his face that it was really weak.

“The whole book is amazing, the murder and hints are really written with dedication, but that ending?! Only kisses and cheesy things in Christmas... Could that be worse?!” somehow, I let myself express my frustration regarding it and that only made the man be even more amused.

“I have to agree, boy” he nodded and started to accompany me to the exit when I finished to take my stuff. “But don't you like romance?” he asked curiously. I sighed, it was too cruel for coming from a teenager so I doubted if I really should say it or keep it to myself. Probably, that man would end up laughing.

“I really dislike it. Two people falling in love and starting to do anything for each other? That's too cliché, reality is way worse” but as always I said it. What I really thought about love. It was not something sweet and pure. Humans couldn't love each other properly, that was why they just kept searching for another person when the last one hadn't worked out. Or even before, when they got bored. Tired. Of that person who had given all for them. That was why love was just a lie in a world where illusionary feelings needed to have a name no matter what. To say they had them, they were feeling them, but after all, they disappeared as fast as they had arrived.

“Way worse?” the security guard asked, being lost by that unexpected answer coming from a seventeen-years-old boy. Somehow, I knew our _friendship_ would end that moment if I said what I really thought. Everyone did. No one liked what was inside of me.

“Love isn't only kisses and hugs. It's not a supreme happiness. Love is hearted dedication to the person you say you love. It's also bad moments. Suffering. Being there when everything’s falling to protect them” I said it. I said what I really thought so I was just waiting for a laugh or a comment about how disgusting I was. I was just waiting for my fate without any attempt of stopping it. After all, it was all the same.

“Isn’t that good?” suddenly, that man spoke with a big smile. My eyes widened and I had to stop in the middle of the door by the surprise. What did he mean? “You're so young, but so mature. The majority of teenagers think that love is a game to have fun and they are so wrong...” he explained with sad voice. Somehow, it was the first time that someone told me that I was right. My reaction was vague, clumsy, totally unexpected by the poor security guard.

“What are you saying? You should be making fun of me” I spoke and his surprise overcame mine in a second. Probably, a normal person would have thanked him or would have taken that comment as a compliment, but I understood it as a joke, as a complicated way to laugh about what I was saying.

“No one should make fun of others' opinions. Everyone should respect your way of thinking, otherwise they are really showing the sort of person they are” he clarified with serious tone, as if my comment had killed all the amusement in that chat to deepen it. Because after all his words pierced my brain. The sort of person. Actually, all started to have sense around me, it was really easy to classify everyone I knew by how they behaved with me and with their surrounding. They were so superficial, but instead that man was really wise and I could bet he wasn't too old.

“Excuse me, but how old are you?” I asked out of the blue, leaving him frowning again. Was I that surprising?

“Why do you ask? You don't even know my name” he tried to avoid my question, but at the same time he was really wrong, so I couldn't hide my smile.

“I know it” I confessed while looking at his puzzled grimace. “ _Akiyama Mamoru_ ( _秋山 守_ ), right?” actually, I could see his amusement mixed with fear of not knowing how I knew it, when it was so evident, but he tended to forget, it seemed.

“Wait, how did you-“

“The plaque of your uniform” I laughed covering shyly my mouth with a hand, I wasn't used to show my smile, it was weird. Then, Akiyama touched it, as if his mind was remembering he was working with his name written in a plaque on his uniform, and sighed deeply while stopping already outside of the library. I turned around feeling actually so comfortable there with someone for first time in a while.

“I'm twenty nine years old. I wonder why you're talking with me instead of people of your age” he confessed straight, not insinuating it or hiding it between lines. Somehow, it stole my good mood and I could show only a bitter smile while my head was lowered, confirming that yes, people could know me too just by looking at my habits.

“I wonder it too” maybe, my answer wasn't usual. Maybe it wasn't what he expected. But I got a hand over my shoulder, patting it to cheer me up somehow and it was the first time I felt protected by someone.

“Don’t worry, there's a long path to walk yet with many people waiting to know you” the man told me with a sweet smile that relieved my sadness and I could only return his good words with a nod. I never knew that finding someone different, who could cheer me up without asking something back, was that nice. He was the first. And somehow I found my heart beating faster when his warm hand patted my head. I wasn't too tall, just 1’65m, but probably he reached 1’80m so I felt small for a second. Small, but protected.

“Well, I should go that I've already made you lose too much time as always...” I changed the subject naturally, hiding the new feelings inside of me, and Akiyama laughed while removing his hand as if it hadn't been a big deal for him.

“You never make me lose my time. Actually, finding you everyday there makes my job a bit less lonely” he complimented me so suddenly that I was sure my cheeks were red, so how was I supposed to look at him?! By looking at his eyes, it was the first time I realized their brownish colour or his messy, black hair. It was the first time I thought he was really handsome. It was the first time I was staring at a guy longer than five seconds just to admire his defined jaw or fleshy lips. I had to gulp and turn around when my thoughts started to be really evident by my behaviour, so my legs began to walk direction to go downstairs.

“Well, I think I will continue then” my mouth spoke that, wondering if it was too much or just another comment between us. I prayed it wasn't for some reason, looking as a girl, drooling for a cool guy, but inside of me, I knew he was not just a handsome man for me because when he called me once more to ask for my name, I turned around as if fate had just spoken to me.

“Yuu, _Amano Yuu_ ( _天野 勇_ )”

*****

Since that day, I kept on going to the library as always, staying hours there, reading books, doing homework and studying. But now, there were a few differences. Now, I searched for him constantly in the library, wishing to see him so he would approach to me to ask me how I was. Also, every time I had to leave, we talked a while in front of the door so when I returned home, I spent the path and the whole night thinking of him. Of his smile. Of his tender words. Of his warm hand touching my head. I ended up thinking he was perfect. And I felt horribly weird with myself. Because every time those emotions came back to me, a smile was unstoppable in my face. What I hated so much. I hated showing I could be happy too. Having to agree somehow with those cheesy moments I always skipped in the books. Was that lie called love affecting me? Was I falling in its trap? Was I that stupid?

*****

As every day, I went there and stayed studying because exams were arriving and it was the last year I had to complete before entering the university. Just a few months more and I would be finally graduated, what I never thought as possible because it wasn't like my marks were perfect even if I spent my day surrounded by books. However, that day I had an extra distraction, because Akiyama was talking so nicely with other woman and somehow I couldn’t focus on the book no matter what I did. My eyes kept on following all their moves. I was even feeling quite irritated; I would even love to stand up, go there and break that moment between them. Of course I didn’t. Otherwise, I would just look like a crazy boy with weird intentions and that was the last reason he needed to stop talking to me.

So I just stayed on my chair, holding the book strongly with my fingers and containing my breath inside my lungs when they got too close. I was at the verge of closing it and throwing it to them when someone sat beside me. There were like four tables more with ten chairs each to sit, but of course the one beside me had to be occupied by a guy who had nothing better to do with his time.

“Is he your boyfriend?” suddenly, he asked as if we had enough confidence when the truth was I had never seen him before. So I just turned around, widening my eyes in a weak attempt to show how far he had gone with just one sentence, and I just received back a curious gaze.

“What are you saying?!” maybe my voice was too loud because everyone there looked at me bothered by my abrupt interruption, even Akiyama with the other person. I just flushed at the next second and lowered my head, wanting to kill the boy next to me.

“Be quiet, this is a library” he put a finger on his lips and said full of sarcasm, what made me be even angrier. I just looked at him again and frowned.

“Are you stupid? What do you want? You don't even know me” I spoke rudely to see if he would go away, but further from reality, a smile was drawn on his face; he seemed really amused by that.

“I just thought you were being really evident with your jealousy” finally he explained with a serious face, but it wasn’t like I was expecting such answer from an unknown.

“Jealousy? I was just resting my eyes while looking around” I tried to lie and say the first excuse which crossed my mind. However, that guy seemed as having stalked me the right time to know it was false.

“Sure” probably, he knew he was right, but he didn’t continued. What I thanked because that situation was starting to be really awkward and uncomfortable as long as he had appeared from the nowhere and could read me better than usual. I really disliked that type of people.

“Is that all you want?” my rudeness continued and so did his amusement.

“I was just curious, sorry if I've bothered you” he apologized suddenly and that left me puzzled. At least he had been polite enough to apologize, so I just nodded and continued my book as he stood up and went to another table for reading a book. My eyes followed his shape wondering why he had to change even the table if the only thing I didn’t want was that he would talk to me saying the truth I didn’t want to hear. But somehow, because of doing that, the person I was looking at now was him and not Akiyama.

Only now I could see his brown hair or his pale skin. His eyes were dark too combining with his black clothes. I could bet he was around my age also, his way of sitting, moving or talking wasn’t proper of older generations. So I wondered who he was, because I couldn’t even ask his name and asking it now after having talked to him that rudely was kind of bipolar. Then, I decided to continue studying as long as probably I would regret it after if I kept daydreaming the whole evening. It was being hard, but somehow I could manage to focus and study all I wanted for that day.

I was being so concentrated in a specific part that as always I forgot the time until a person came to me. I knew who was even without looking at him, so I just laughed and started to take my stuff inside my bag while apologizing as always. However, a voice surprised me. “Be quiet” he said and I could know he wasn’t Akiyama. That was why I turned around and raised my gaze, finding that weird boy next to me. Then, I immediately checked the clock and found out it was still 5:30 pm when the library closed at 6 pm. I kind of felt like a dumb for having started to pack up my things to go away in front of the weird boy. So I had to decide what to do, if continuing and making it seem like a coincidence or getting all out again and continuing until the closing time. I didn’t know even why I stood up to wear my coat, because it was really cold already outside, and placed the chair in its place.

“It’s decided” his mutter scared me and in the moment I looked at him, he had the needed time to grab my hand and start to drag me through the whole library, direction to the exit. I was only mattering about the fact that I was trying to stop him and that small resistance made everyone there look at us. Especially Akiyama, who was talking with the librarian. Our eyes met for a second, I could see surprise and somehow, I knew he was thinking this guy was something more than an unknown in my life. So when we were already outside, I removed my hand hastily, setting it free and facing him who looked different.

“What’s wrong with you?!” I shouted at him, knowing it was okay already. I didn’t understand his behaviour at all. First, he came asking weird things when he was just an unknown, after he did strange comments and went away, and now he was just dragging me where he wanted for some reason I didn’t even know. Could he be crazier? What did he want? The truth behind his question? If I had already said no. Maybe I had to read between lines.

“I want to c-“

“Okay, okay. I like him, a lot. I don't care if it's evident, I want him to notice me. Is that the answer you wanted? Can you leave me alone already?” maybe the real meaning behind his answer was to know my feelings instead of the fact if we were going out. Or maybe I was wrong and I had just spoken too much, because it was the first time he looked as speechless. His widened eyes were cute somehow. Showing those brownish pupils under a streetlight. I was tempted to continue talking because he didn’t seem as going to say a word. However, suddenly he moved his lips.

“How can you say you want him to notice you if the only thing you do is staying until late?” his voice sounded huskier this time. Before, in the library, it was sweet, low. But now I could assure it was cold. And for some reason, my whole body felt a shiver. My arms tended to get crossed as if he was able to see through me better than I thought. And my eyes looked away, I didn't even know what to answer.

“Everyone has their way, okay?” my defense was weak, not sure if it was enough to convince him. Of course no. It was clear when he grabbed my hand and started to walk again, going downstairs without even asking me if I had time. “You're rude, dragging me like this when I don't even know your name” I pouted, giving up on resisting against him. I was curious to discover where he would take me. What I didn't know was that there was someone who was watching us from the library’s door.

“ _Midorikawa Ryou_ ( _緑川 諒_ )” he spoke, saying his name while looking at the steps. “You?” and he proved how unknown we were for each other again.

“Amano Yuu” I answered him. At least if he was going to drag me, he should know my name. Also, it wasn’t like I thought he was a bad guy, but somehow he was too straight and impolite that it was normal if I was bothered.

“Then, Amano, do you like older guys?” he asked that out of the blue, crossing the limit again and making me be bothered for third time in a day. What was wrong with him?

“What are you saying now?!” my voice couldn’t be controlled and it was normal if it was louder, it was all his fault after all.

“I mean, he's way older than you and you prefer him before someone of your age” he commented while continuing dragging me through an empty street, but thank God I knew where we were, otherwise I would end up thinking he was kidnapping me for dirty purposes.

“I’m not that young! Also, where was that thing of love doesn't care about age left?” I tried to discuss it and win him for first time, get my pride as man back. However, he had answer for everything. The worst was that he was even right.

“C’mon, I bet you're still in preparatory” he commented amused and there I was. Damning him with all my might.

“Last year! I will go to university in a few months!” what I thought as strong he made it look as stupid. I really felt stupid beside him. And I wondered why. Normally, I was the one who was used to be right with the rest, but now he was only winning me in every comment. Somehow, little by little I was understanding why I was alone if my behaviour only tried to be right instead of discussing subjects properly. Maybe all the fault wasn’t their. But mine.

“Seventeen?!” he stopped to turn around and laugh. This was not funny anymore, though. “Kiddo, go home that mum is waiting for y-“ I didn’t let him end. My hand was faster slapping his face. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I couldn’t listen to his stupid jokes anymore. I couldn’t let him make fun of me and my feelings anymore. I just could not. So couldn’t my eyes, which were teary, while watching how Midorikawa was shocked. His gaze was raised at me and no one said a word. He only grabbed his slapped cheek. “Amano...” he muttered, still with puzzled expression. I didn’t know why I talked. I had absolutely no idea why those words were pronounced.

“She’s dead. No way she's waiting for me anymore” at that moment, before breaking in front of him, I turned around and walked away, trying to get lost in that big city of Sapporo. My steps were fast as my right hand tried to cover all the tears that were falling already. I wondered why he had to do that, why he had to appear like this in my life. If that was his purpose, he should better disappear.

“Amano!” I heard him shouting behind me, but the last thing I wanted was looking at his face again. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t. Because he might have been mean with laughing constantly, but after all he didn’t deserve the slap, it was impossible he would know that about me. So I was actually scared he was chasing me to return the slap or scold me. I just needed to be alone. To recover and continue my life the next day. However. “Amano, wait!” he didn’t give up. Even I chose to cross a bridge in the complete opposite direction of my house, but I just wanted him to lose my track.

No way that would happen when a hand grabbed my arm. It was light to say I turned around violently while doing a few steps back. My eyes were blurry so trying to read his expression was hard. What did he want? I just saw how he approached me raising a hand. At that moment, my reaction was closing my eyes and waiting for the hit. Waiting for the pain, for the blood. Nevertheless, nothing like that came. Just a cold hand brushed my hair and two longs arms embraced my shaking body. I immediately widened my eyes and stopped breathing, wondering why. Why that. Why a hug. Why him. Why in the middle of a bridge over a green river. I wondered why constantly. And more when three words were whispered beside my ear, followed by the most regretting voice I had ever heard.

“I'm so sorry...” my eyebrows began to frown while my chin pouted strongly. My attempt to handle my weeping was useless after all. So I hid my face on his coat and my hands grabbed the fabric from his back. The sobs were muffled so it would only remain as a hug for any stranger who would pass by during it. “I’m sorry for everything... I've just been a complete asshole the whole evening, don't hate me, please” he begged with anguished voice. My weeping stopped right after when I heard the word hate so that I raised my head, wondering why that. My red eyes crashed with his and only then I noticed how close we were. That was why I tried to step back. Midorikawa let me go, though. And this time, instead of just behaving as always, he offered me his hand. This was way better.

*****

It was being a cold evening to be sitting in two swings while attempting to talk normally, because after crying that much in front of him, it was hard to act without embarrassment. I always cried alone, it was really odd that someone would meet that part of me. However, he saw it purely and it was the first time he didn’t make fun of me. He didn’t laugh, he didn’t even try it. What was more, he was horribly anxious about seeing me like that. Could it be real that there were people who were able to care about me for real? Was he really worrying about me? My eyes only glanced at him, with sad grimace and lowered shoulders.

“I'm better, don't worry...” I muttered, not liking he was that depressed since that moment. I was actually hating how down he seemed. I had the feeling that for some reason, I was also getting to see a part of him that no anyone often got to see.

“Next year I will become an adult and I can only act as a brat. Disturbing someone until the point of making him cry... It's something to worry about...” he answered, being really tough on himself. Also, he revealed he was nineteen years old. But in one way or another, a sense of making him feel better was born inside of me. I could be called stupid. I was, in reality. But no one there had the complete guilt.

“You know?” I sighed. “It was the first time I spoke it aloud” my confession made him look at me surprised. “She passed away nine months ago. My brother went to study overseas and my father only works day and night. So books were my salvation” I moved my legs, trying to find a reason to smile while my eyes were just counting the stars in the sky. “The bad part is that they can't listen to me, so I just kept that inside of me” then, my whole body stopped. It wasn’t time to smile. “It’s not a excuse, though. I'm really sorry about the slap” I apologized with sad voice and lowered my gaze. I was ashamed of how impulsive I could be when I felt attacked. It wasn’t the solution.

“It was well-deserved” a sighed accompanied it and I glanced at him. Why was he being like that? It was not. I hit him so strong, possibly I bet he had a mark. That was why I stood up and got closer to him so my hand could grab his chin and turn his head. The light could illuminate his cheek and as I supposed, it was still red.

“Put ice when you will return home, please” I advised him while my hand was caressing his skin. When my thumb touched near his commissure, he did a painful grimace, showing how hard it had been, and I felt worse. So that my hand embraced his full cheek rubbing it slowly. At that movement, he looked up and our eyes met. I couldn’t describe why my chest felt pressured or why it seemed as the time stopped. But I was sure he was thanking that caress.

“Do you hate me?” I felt how his jaw was being moved slightly. Then, at the next second I shook my head.

“No, at all” he needed to know there was no way I could hate him if after all he had showed me important things in a day. Maybe the way he had used wasn’t the nicest, but now I was more in sync with myself.

Suddenly, he stood up and my hand got stuck on his cheek although if he was really tall. My neck was even hurting from looking up because he was really close and I decided to remove it, with the bad luck that he grabbed my wrist first. “Amano...” he tried to get closer so the height difference increased and I could only wonder one thing.

“Why the hell are you so tall?!” my sudden question made him widen his eyes and do a step backwards, what I thanked because after all, it was uncomfortable to look at him in that way. Also, he dropped my hand that I didn’t know why he grabbed it in the first place.

“I'm just 1’77. It's you who's too short” he said before patting my head and lowering his head a bit with that amused aura natural of him. It was exactly what Akiyama did, but it felt so different. With him, I was comfortable, I liked his hand over me, it was warm and soft. But with Midorikawa, I was really uncomfortable, my heart beat faster and I just wanted him to stop. Probably it was the fact I just knew him for a day. He was still an unknown for me. Instead, Akiyama was closer and I saw him everyday. I just needed to give him more time to get used.

“I-I can still grow up more!” my attempt to justify those twelve centimetres between us was lacking confidence, so Midorikawa only laughed while removing his hand and turning around to grab his bag.

“Sure, sure” he started to walk without waiting for me, raising a hand as a goodbye. Was he going home already? I had thought we would talk a bit more. Somehow, I wanted to be a bit more with him.

“Goodbye, then...” I muttered, he couldn’t hear me. He thought he left while doing me a favour, but I just sat on the swing again, leaning my head on the chain. Why did I feel so weird? Was this the beginning of having a friend? But was wanting to be with a friend constantly normal?


	2. First Step

Days started to be a bit gloomier than normal. I was kind of daydreaming constantly but about nothing, my mind was in another world. Classes were hard to get and in the library, Midorikawa was there and we kept talking the most of the time. We had a weird habit of going to the coffee machine because the librarian was beside it attending people and of course, Akiyama had to be there too. So Midorikawa called it the perfect moment to see him. Since that day we deepened in my feelings for him, this guy had thought about any absurd plan to make me be closer with him. Also, he was a great help when we returned home, because as always, we were the last ones so Akiyama accompanied us to the exit, so thanks to him, we created long chats. I could know a lot of things more about him as that he liked science-fiction movies, that he had a cat in his house, that he was from Osaka, but was working in Sapporo. And all was thanks to Midorikawa who had amazing skills to talk with everyone and get the information he was searching for.

The next target he offered me was knowing if he was in a relationship or not. I had rejected that several times, but people started to be bothered about our constant murmurs even if we were in the section for talking, so I ended up accepting because I couldn’t send him to hell freely. I didn’t want to know it, I found myself so scared about hearing a yes, it was my worst nightmare. What would I do then? If he said yes, all my hope would be broken. And what would happen then? I knew he was the right for me. There would be no one else. Because no one else could see in me what he saw. So he had to be for me. Otherwise, the small sense in life I had found lately would be totally lost. I would be totally lost.

So while Midorikawa continued doing crazy plans and talking about what he wanted alone, I could only look at him through the empty space of two books in a shelf. He was so cool, so handsome, so perfect my heart was going to explode. My mind was full of him the whole day, I even almost failed an exam because the day before, I spent the evening talking with him. That was so odd in me, I had never been at the verge of failing because of someone. So what was he doing in me? What was wrong with me lately?

_Am I in love?_

I wanted to shout regarding that sudden thought and I grabbed my head before leaning on the table. My brain was starting to be really done by love thoughts. I hated cheesy things, I hated all related love, then why did I feel as in one of those romantic books? I wanted to vomit just by thinking about me all lovey-dovey with someone else.

“What happens?” suddenly, a sweet voice asked me as a cold hand rubbed my head. I turned my head to find Midorikawa looking at me.

“I can't focus, I'm going to fail everything. I want to die” I cried as a small kid. But my eyes could only see how Midorikawa smiled tenderly.

“I can help you. The library is about to close, but we can continue at my place if you want” he offered me, seeing a complete angel in front of me. I nodded quickly, wanting to hug him eternally by being so nice when I was only having butterflies in my brain. Actually, Midorikawa became really gentle since that evening. His character was soft and calm, his voice could be really relaxing and his aura was peaceful. He didn’t talk to me again like that day. His sarcastic mode only appeared when I refused to see the reality in front of me. What after all I thanked him because I could be really stubborn. So in that last month we spent together in the library, a friendship was built. I was sure he had been my very first friend in the last years.

“We should start to pick everything up” I checked the clock and my body began to be nervous because it would mean that Akiyama would come to talk with us and I didn’t know the plan Midorikawa had in mind. Everyday it was different. He was so versatile I sometimes felt envious. He was really good at talking with people. I wish I could do that too.

“Follow me” he whispered when he saw the security guard was approaching. I didn’t understand him, I thought he meant to go somewhere, but against all odds, he surprised me again. “...and that girl didn’t want to be my girlfriend, can you believe it?!” he spoke out of the blue and my eyes were widened asking with my face what the fuck he was saying. His answer was with his face too, doing an expression of not messing his plan, so my only option was answering to that.

“C’mon, I even understand her” I laughed, discovering I could troll him meanwhile. It wasn’t like I was going to put things easy for him.

“What are you saying?! All the girls are crazy about me” he complained, half acting, half being amused by my comment. Then, Akiyama was almost near us. It was the moment.

“Yeah, of course. You even have a fan club” I joked while glancing at him. His eyes were sparkling with malice, the same as mine, though.

“What do you have a fan club of?” then Akiyama tried to get in the conversation and once again he had fallen into his trap, what always amazed me.

“Of girlfriends” I answered, laughing to make it more realistic or at least that was what I thought, because Akiyama looked at me weirdly. I wondered why. Was that weird? For a second I thought I had messed all his plan.

“I don't yet! Akiyama, please, teach me what I should do when a girl rejects me! I'm sure you're so popular with girls!” Midorikawa tried to fix it and his face seemed of relaxing a bit to chuckle flushed.

“That's not true” he shook his hand with a smile and I just could stand there, admiring how cute he was. If that was love, it truly felt good.

“Haven't you got a girlfriend?” Midorikawa asked straight and I widened my eyes, thinking he had been too direct like to get a confession. However, as always, his way of doing things was successful.

“No, I haven't. I've been in Sapporo for just one year, it's normal if I don't know many people yet” his shyness was hitting my weakest point and I was melting constantly with that smile. Until I realized his answer. He had said no. He had said he was free. Available. Alone. That I had a chance. In a second, the adrenaline and happiness filled my body and I could only lower my head while going a bit ahead from them who were talking nicely. Thanks to Midorikawa now I knew I had free way to try to confess, to try to know if Akiyama felt the same or if he was interested in me. If I had any single possibility of starting something with him. For some reason, I wanted to turn around and kiss him straight, not thinking, not waiting. But of course I was a coward so I just only stopped to look back when we were already outside and the conversation was ongoing.

“I really thought you were the type who liked to go out and have fun” Akiyama spoke surprised by the information Midorikawa had just spoken and I hadn't heard because I was too busy by dying about the simple fact I had a chance.

“Yeah, I prefer a good book and a cup of coffee. Parties aren't my thing” he confessed again and I understood. Indeed it was shocking because he had that cool aura and enough social skills like to have several friends and be invited to several university parties. However, he was a calm guy. Just like me.

“Wow, and I thought you went partying as soon as you had a chance” my comment was sarcastic, revealing what I really thought about him by his appearance. However, he only showed a smirk.

“Today I was invited to one, but I refused” the fact he was there, with me studying in a library when he could be enjoying his free time with friends had made me be mad. He had the chance and still decided to waste it. I wished I had been invited to just one in my life too.

“Why?! You should go instead of helping me to study!” I scolded him, just wondering why he was choosing studying over partying when he was just nineteen years old. It was okay if he didn’t like them, but I bet he needed some social life too. Lately, I just saw him with me and no one else.

“Are you helping him to study?” suddenly, Akiyama asked to Midorikawa who remained with calm face the whole time. At his question, he just nodded and I decided to give him an explanation.

“My marks are really dropping and he offered me his help” my hands moved too much for some reason and I just seemed more nervous than I should be. However, none of them said anything or kept staring at me.

“You guys really get along, right?” that sentence caught me totally not ready and I widened my eyes. What was he thinking? We were just friends, I wondered if I should remark it, but I was also sure it was evident between us. We were constantly fighting and studying, there wasn’t anything further so Akiyama shouldn’t think more than that. Or at least that was what I was praying.

“Well, he's a nice company” Midorikawa answered and his voice sounded as if he was talking about a dog.

“I’m not your pet” I glanced at him with bothered eyes, advising him to stop those jokes or he would get punched. However, his hand brushed my hair quickly and I just moved backwards to free myself. “You're playful today!” I commented with a bad-dissimulated angry face. However, he only smiled at me and I could swear that my heart skipped a beat. It was the first time I was able to feel someone liked being and interacting with me. It made me feel a bit better with myself. Maybe, I wasn’t that bad after all.

“Well, if you still have a long evening to study, I won't keep you here longer!” Akiyama broke that uncomfortable moment with what seemed as a farewell. I noticed I hadn’t talked with him at all, I wasted the chance Midorikawa gave me like that, daydreaming constantly. If we said no, it would look odd, so we nodded and said goodbye as my eyes were admiring how cute his smile was. Indeed, I was completely mesmerized by him. He was so special I couldn’t feel at ease if he was near me. I just wished I could have a chance with him.

Then, Midorikawa and I continued the path to his house. I had never been there, I didn’t know how or where it was. Also, we would be in his bedroom. For some reason, that made me feel nervous. I didn’t know how to behave, it wasn’t like I was used to go to others' houses because I hadn’t got friends. It was the first time I was going to study with someone in his house. And somehow, I felt really okay with that, as if slowly, thanks to Midorikawa I was starting to behave and do things of my age. To enjoy my youth instead of wanting it to pass as soon as possible. Somehow, I was starting to be happy again.

*****

His bedroom was small, not a big deal, just a bed at the right with a big closet at the left and a desk in front of the door. All was in light colours, noticing how it had been reformed technically recently. I liked the style he had on the walls with posters of a famous rock band or pictures which I wondered if they were his because all of them were taken with a Polaroid. I loved how that wall over his bed looked. It seemed like a whole life reflected in it. It was vintage, but also modern. So I needed to say it right after entering.

“Have you taken all of them?” I asked with surprise. He closed the door behind me and smiled.

“Yes, I love photography so my father gave me his old camera to start with and it ended up like that” he explained while leaving his bag on the floor and tried to clean his desk a bit so we both would fit in it.

“Can you explain me the meaning of some?” I asked, wondering if he would agree. I turned around when he was taking longer than I expected to see if that had bothered him, but somehow he was looking at them.

“Okay, choose one, but be careful, I will only explain you one per day you will come here” Midorikawa warned me his odd idea and I wanted to complain because I would have to return too many times if I wanted to know all of them, but as it was better than anything, I chose one. It was about him looking at a sunset in a beach.

“I’m from Fukuoka in reality, but three years ago, my father was transferred to a better job here and we moved. This photo represents that change of life” he sat on the bed and looked at me, who was amazed by that information. He wasn’t from Sapporo...

“Aren’t winters hard for you?” I asked, knowing that Kyushu was way warmer than Hokkaido in general. But he only showed me his hand. I understood I should grab it and I could feel how cold it was.

“This is how I feel here constantly” he smiled. Somehow, I could know how bothersome that could be because indeed coldness was too much here. So I decided to help him in one way. I turned my body around to be completely facing him and asked his other hand too. I grabbed both and put them together. Then, I started to rub them with mine, trying to share some of my warmth with him. After a few seconds like this, I stopped to see if it was better.

“Thank you” he spoke while one of his hands caressed my cheek and I moved hastily by how cold it was yet. He laughed and removed his hand to grab his bag for getting his books. “Shall we study?”

*****

After another hour studying with Midorikawa explaining me all I didn’t get, my brain was going to collapse anytime soon. I couldn’t even say what two plus two was, this intense session had been like my schedule for a whole week. If I didn’t pass these last exams before Christmas, I would really think I wasn’t ready for university. So I just lay down on the floor with my eyes closed as a big sigh left my chest. I heard a small chuckle coming from Midorikawa, what made me frown and look at him. “What?” my voice was too rude.

“It’s late already, isn’t your father worried? You didn’t call him” he pointed out, being as prudent as always. Indeed, I closed my eyes and turned around, showing him my back, trying to hide my dark expression.

“He's working, if I arrive now home, I will be alone for a while more” I explained, maybe realizing how lonely I was. How I tried to seem as used, as okay with it. How it was my perfect lie to be able to go on. How inside of me I wished I could have the normal family we had once been.

“Why don't you stay? My mum surely doesn’t care” suddenly, he asked me. Suddenly, a light appeared. Suddenly, I turned around, my eyes showing my surprise, and I sat on the floor, not knowing what to say. I didn’t want to bother, but at the same time, I wanted to accept without a doubt. What should I do? It would be rude if I accepted it straight. But I wanted to keep there, with him. I had a lot of fun when I was with him. It was the only moment of the day when I could feel not everything was lost yet in my life for some reason and I had to continue fighting because he was beside me. I wondered why Midorikawa gave me that security, but thanks to that, my day by day had improved after horrible months of desperation and anguish.

“Do you want me to stay?” I decided to be sure, to have his approval, that he would insist so my answer wouldn’t be that cheeky. I wouldn’t seem like taking advantage of his good will.

“Of course, I love talking with you” his smile was shy, but his eyes didn’t lie when that sentence was spoken and my heart beat a bit faster. For some reason, a warmth filled my chest and my mouth wanted to draw a smile, but I didn’t let it, thinking I shouldn’t be happy for that. So with soft expression, I nodded.

“Then, if I don't bother, I'd like to stay” after this, Midorikawa jumped out of the bed to go and tell his mother with his face shining into excitement. He was like a small kid and it was so sweet that when my brain realized it, I was deeply smiling. What was this? I couldn’t control it, I tried to stop it, but when he returned, it was impossible for me to hide it, to show my serious face. I looked at his gentle eyes while smiling, while feeling good emotions returning to my being after a cold season. However, a hasty wind froze that sun warming my insides.

_I don't deserve happiness._

I had to lower my head, handling that pain coming back. It would never disappear, I was sure of that. It was too much for me, I wasn’t that strong. How could I? No way. There were unforgettable things. Inside of me. Being chained to my heart. And no one. Absolutely nobody had the key to unchain it and set me free. Even myself. So it was less painful to accept it and live as I could.

“My mom said the water for a bath is ready so you can take one” he offered me with worried voice. He didn’t ask, though. I stood up and realized something embarrassing.

“But I haven't brought clothes to change” I murmured troubled. I shouldn’t have accepted without thinking. Now I was already causing too much troubles for them.

“Ah, well, we don't have the same size, but...” Midorikawa spoke while rummaging into his closet. “You can use this” he handed me a T-shirt and pants to be comfortable during the night. I took a few seconds to take it because I was surprised by how well he was treating me, but every time I looked bad, he insisted with tender gaze, so I couldn’t say anything else but a thank you.

After that, I went to take a bath feeling a bit ashamed for it, not really knowing what I should do in a house it wasn’t mine. I was pretty lost, so I decided to take it as fast as I could, enough to be clean and I took the towel to dry myself. Of course I was amazingly comfortable inside the hot water, but it would be rude of me if I stayed too long because after all they were waiting for me to have dinner. Once dried, I grabbed Midorikawa's clothes and wore them. Slowly, I could smell his scent in them and I had to close my eyes while my lower lip was being bitten. It was relaxing, like if he was hugging me. Indeed, I loved his hugs. I loved how close he was with me. No matter my complains, he always came to touch me. And really inside of me, I couldn’t say it made me be angry. Not from him.

Once ready, I went out to search for Midorikawa in the living room, where he was talking with his father while his mother was ending the dinner. Right after getting inside, he stood up and took the towel I had in my hands. “You were pretty fast! Stay here, I will be back soon” he spoke with a smile and left the room, not giving me time to say I could wait in the bedroom or alike, I was left there, in front of his father's gaze. A middle-aged man, with tanned skin and normal clothes. He didn’t look as a bad man, but somehow I felt horribly exposed there.

“Sit down, boy, don't be shy” he commented with deep voice and I decided it was better to accept it, so I approached and sat on the sofa in front of him.

“Thanks” I muttered with a small bow, thinking being polite was the minimum after having been invited. My head was lowered, shyness wasn’t enough to describe my behaviour and probably that man could read it.

“Ryou usually doesn't take friends here” hastily, that information came up without any particular reason. At that moment, I raised my face, more because I was surprised. “He’s a good boy, but he's horrible to show what he really feels. I don't think he has almost friends although he's really outgoing. You know? It would be easy to tell us if he's alone, but he prefers to show this not to worry us. We're his parents, we know those things, so I ask you boy, take care of him, please” his father spoke to me with a sad voice and suddenly, I knew a bit more about Midorikawa, who seemed as the most popular boy of the university. And now, my perception changed to the sight of a lonely boy who chose to be happy and hide his loneliness in order to see his family happy too. He was really amazing. I found him spectacularly amazing. Because I was unable to be happy even for the ones I cared about. We were like the yin and yang of the loneliness. He was the light and I was the darkness. It could only make me admire him more, though.

“I will” I answered the father who showed a smile with grateful eyes. Then, I understood small gestures could change so many things. If I took care of Midorikawa, I would be able to make his parents be at ease finally. So it wasn’t like I would betray my word. Way less if it was about him.

Then, after that, he appeared back in the living room with his wet hair falling over his forehead wildly, hiding a bit those wonderful, almond eyes. It was evident I was looking at him, that was why he approached and hit my forehead in a stupid attempt to make me stop in front of his father, at whom he asked something. “Have you told him something weird?” Midorikawa chuckled, figuring him out faster than I could expect. However, his father only grinned weakly before standing up.

“Only the needed” he answered briefly and went to the kitchen where his mother was calling for them because the dinner was ready. But before going, I stood up and Midorikawa grabbed my hand. For first time it was warm.

“What did he tell you?” this time, he sounded more serious, as if he was worried. I didn’t want him to be concerned, so my hand stroke his and I showed a soft expression.

“That he really loves you” in truth, exactly he didn’t expose it with those words, but actually if he had said that to me, it was because he loved his son over anything else. So after all, it wasn’t a lie.

“Boys” his mother appeared and I panicked because our hands were connected, so I removed mine, observing how her eyes were exactly noticing it and her face expressed a mother-like smirk. “C’mon, the dinner will get cold!” she disappeared quickly after and my theory about her thinking we were more than friends started to settle down instantly. I looked at Midorikawa to see if he was going to say something, but he was already walking to the kitchen silently. I frowned, wondering why he didn’t excuse us in front of her or why he didn’t tell me anything. I just followed him, wondering why.

Of course, during the whole dinner, I could feel the love of a warm family. Also, there was a relaxed talk between them about the day and I knew his father was a businessman in a small company. Small details showed up which I caught, as the mother looking at me with shining eyes since the living room moment. I bet she was really thinking we were a couple.

Wait.

Midorikawa and I... As couple... As... Boyfriends... My head turned around and I saw a silent boy who was just eating his rice normally. Was I able to see him as something else than just a good friend? I didn’t know what that supposed between us. I had never experienced being in a relationship, but I could say my feelings for Midorikawa and Akiyama were completely different. Akiyama was what I considered as my true love, but Midorikawa was... What was he? Maybe he wasn’t just a friend. Maybe now he was my best friend. That was why I loved being with him. After all friendship and romance were two different things, right? That was what I thought. Yet, I wasn’t completely relieved.

*****

Once we ended the dinner, we went to study a bit more. He continued teaching me, but since I started to think about that, I couldn’t focus on his explanations. My brain just did rounds of that thought about being the boyfriend of Midorikawa. I had always been with Akiyama, thinking he was perfect for me, then why was that affecting me? Exactly, if I had already Akiyama who was the perfect boyfriend for me, Midorikawa was just a sudden question since his mother found us. If she hadn't found us, I wouldn’t be thinking that about us. Yes! I was just being paranoid without reason, no way I would have thought like that about Midorikawa like that then! Luckily, I understood that before I would get really messed. He was only an important friend. An important friend who started to shout at me abruptly.

“Amano! If you don't want to study anymore, just say it” he complained, waking me up from the my deepest thoughts, and I apologized, watching how he lay down on the bed. I wondered if he was angry with me. After all, he was right, he was wasting his time to help me and I paid zero attention to him. “You're thinking about Akiyama, right?” he said out of the blue and I widened my eyes, wondering what he was saying. However, I realized there was no way I would tell him about us being boyfriends, so I nodded, thinking I was lying in the worst way. Would he believe me? “Well, you have to be happy after knowing he's free, right?” he continued chatting and sat beside me on the floor.

“I am...” I admitted although I had forgotten it for the whole evening to be fair.

“And what are you going to do?” that question froze me because it was unexpected. Even I myself hadn't thought about it, so I had no idea of what I was going to do from now on with him. What should I answer? Was there something I should change with Akiyama now that I knew he was free?

“I think continuing going there and talking is okay” I answered what I thought it was normal. So slowly, he would fall in love with me and I would confess then. Because what would happen if he rejected me because I went too fast?

“You really don't know anything about how to get someone...” Midorikawa sighed with resigned expression and it offended me somehow. “You have to act now!” he said suddenly and it scared me. What did he mean?

“Everyone has their own way! I think...” my indecision was visible from far and he stayed looking at me with a frown proper of someone who was wondering why I was being stubborn with a subject I had no idea. I just pouted and looked down, at this pace, I would end up alone in life.

“Look, even if each person confesses in their way, you can't try him to read your mind. You have to tell him” he explained to me, somehow scaring me. Because after all telling that was impossible for me. Saying I liked him... No, I loved him was completely out of my reach. I wasn’t that brave, I wasn’t that decided.

“I can't say such a thing...” I denied the idea, it was more probable that a meteor would fall over me.

“It’s because you're not used” he insisted and turned around. “C’mon, I'm Akiyama, practice with me” he spoke seriously and I glanced at him amazed, thinking he had lost his mind for a second. He as Akiyama? They were totally different, how could I? It was still embarrassing with him, I couldn’t even look at his eyes.

“It's usele-“

“Do you want him or not?” he asked me, what made me realize if I wanted to be with him, I should give my best, I should work hard. And if that would mean do ridiculous stuff with Midorikawa... It was because of a good reason, after all. So I turned around to face him, with my head lowered and I bit my lower lip.

“I like you...” I muttered, I doubted he had heard it. It was evident when he sighed. Then, I felt a hand over my jaw, raising my head, finding two almond eyes.

“Look at my eyes and trust yourself more” his voice was sweet, his hand was cold again, but somehow I was getting the confidence needed through his eyes. I couldn’t explain it, but those words appeared without the impulse of my brain even.

“I love you”

The time stopped. Our eyes only were widened, piercing into each other's soul. His hand stayed still as my mouth was opened by the embarrassment. I couldn’t react and so couldn’t he. Then, I finally understood. “If I do this, he will make fun of me” I cried while leaning on Midorikawa's shoulder. Somehow, I needed to stop that. I needed to break our eyes' contact. I wanted to be near him, but I just needed to hide my flushed cheeks and calm my breath without his surprised gaze over me. I went too far. Why did love appeared instead of like? Indeed, I loved Akiyama, but I shouldn’t have said it in front of him. My heart was telling me it was a mistake.

“It’s that or a kiss, you choose” suddenly, Midorikawa pointed out and I panicked, breaking our closeness to look at him and see he was as always, his face didn’t show anything weird, as if my phrase had been forgotten. Well, it was better like that. Right?

“A kiss?!” I shouted too loud and he scolded me because of his parents. This time I really covered my face, wondering why letting Akiyama know my feelings was so hard. It was overwhelming at this rate.

“If you can't say it, the only other way left is a kiss” his sentence was clear. The horror in my face too.

“A kiss is impossible” my rejection was straight, but Midorikawa's tiredness was too much with that sigh and expression.

“Why? There's no much left then” I could feel he was starting to be bothered. Indeed, I was a pain in the ass...

“I’ve never kissed anyone...” maybe that confession would help him to understand my situation a bit better. Maybe like that, he wouldn’t be that bothered with me. Maybe I was just being ridiculous and he would pity me.

“What? No one for real?” his surprise was evident and I nodded ashamed under those eyes. His face looked softer this time and he leaned on the bed with his back. Both were lost about what we should do right now. I was being too coward to find a way to progress with Akiyama and of course there were limited options, which were too hard for me because I was too inexperienced. If I knew... If I had done it already, I was sure I could do it with him... If I had done it... Suddenly, I raised my head.

“Midorikawa” I called him. “We’re best friends, right?” I asked him, looking at his surprised face. Maybe we weren’t for him...

“Best fri-? Of course!” he nodded somehow with a glimpse of happiness in his gaze, what made me notice the feeling was reciprocal.

“Then, can I ask you for a favour?” probably, he would say no. I knew it. He nodded, totally convinced to do it. I should be brave for once. “Could you teach me?” I didn’t know if it was too much or it was okay, because his expression looked thoughtful.

“It’s weird... Like I can't explain it with words. It's...”

“No, not in that way” as I thought, he hadn't understood me. He hadn't understood I was asking him for a real kiss. After all, it was too much.

“Which... way, then?” his face showed confusion and tension. Being best friends wasn’t enough to be able to ask that.

“Teach me how a real kiss is so I will be able to do it properly with him” somehow, I continued explaining him my idea, not knowing why. He was my last chance, probably. Perhaps, it was natural if I tried it until getting an absolute no.

“What? That's... Amano, it's your first kiss, it's better if it's with h-“

“What if he makes fun of me? He's older, for sure he really knows how to kiss. That's why I don't want him to see me as just a brat” I cut him off really showing my anxiety. If a proper kiss meant getting or not Akiyama, I would be able to kiss Midorikawa first. No matter if we were friends. A simple kiss would mean nothing between us.

“I don’t think a kiss-“

“Please” I begged him. I knew it would be pressing our lips together, recognizing the feeling and getting ready for a second time. I just needed to get my fears out of my head with Midorikawa to be able after. It would be fast and simple. Innocent.

“Okay...” he accepted and stood up. I wondered why and he grabbed my arm to be face to face. “If you do it as a real attempt, it will be easier after” he explained with serious face. He was really mattering about the details. Mattering about me being successful. He was the best after all.

“I owe you a big favour” I smiled at him, but he just nodded, looking away while waiting for it. I wondered if he was doing a big effort. Maybe he was the type who didn’t like guys, or the type of people who didn’t like kissing friends. Maybe, he was just really obligating himself because he wanted to help me. Maybe, I shouldn’t do it...

“It's okay, do it” he supported me, as if he could read my thoughts. However, it was what I needed not to feel that bad and do a step forwards. He was really tall, but Akiyama was taller so I understood now why we were on our feet. Then, under that gaze, I licked my lips and grabbed his jaw with my hands to stare at his mouth. Our noses started to touch, our breaths were mixed. Slowly, the space between us disappeared. I closed my eyes, feeling them softly. It was really weird, totally different from what I had always thought, but somehow it was way better. Especially when Midorikawa returned it by trapping my lower lip. My mind was wondering what was happening, why he was returning it, why I started to walk backwards until finding the closet with my back so I had his body fixed at mine, why he tilted his head to make it deeper and I let him while moving my lips, tasting what a real kiss was. Slowly, my waist felt two hands and one of mine rubbed the hair of his neck, but the other one was lowered and I could feel how his heart was going crazy. Because of that, we separated our lips a single second to breathe again and he pecked my lips another second, having my mouth opened to receive another and another one. That became unstoppable because he didn’t want to stop giving and I didn’t want to stop receiving. It was like a drug.

However, we heard a knock on the door and Midorikawa moved backwards as fast as the light to turn around. I just could cover my mouth and turn around a bit so his mother, who was entering in the room, wouldn’t see my reddish face. “Son, can you hel-? Oh, maybe I disturb-“

“No, mom. What do you want?” Midorikawa turned around and walked towards her with poker face as the woman was obviously knowing what had just happened inside those four walls. Wanting to be dead couldn’t be compared to what I was feeling at that moment. And not only because we had crossed all the possible limits during that kiss...

“I want to prepare the futon for him, come and help me” she said to her son as if she was really okay with letting us sleep together in the same bedroom. “Amano, dear, can you pick up the books from the floor, please?” she asked me and I couldn’t turn around, but I answered really loud indeed.

“Yes!” and I threw myself on the floor to close every book and pile them up until they disappeared from the door. Then, I covered my face and asked myself what the fuck I had done. I knew it wasn’t me who made it deeper, but that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t insisted in the first place. I was stupid. How could I think kissing him was a good idea? Now, I had realized kisses between friends weren’t proper. No purpose was worthy to do that. After seeing I could defend myself with Midorikawa, I realized I could have done it with Akiyama at the first attempt too. Then, would that mean that I was regretting that kiss?

Suddenly, I heard how they were coming back and I put all the books over the desk, freeing the floor. I just sat on the bed, wondering what I would do when Midorikawa would come back and his mother would leave. What excuse was appropriate? Better said, what excuse was credible? Because I had no idea why I continued. There was no clue why I was remembering it and I could only lower my head while biting my lower lip. Had I liked it?

“Ryou, be careful with the painting” his mother warned him when coming inside and I saw how they prepared it for me. I somehow felt bad because at that moment I was in the verge of saying I had to go home so I could escape, but that would be so rude of me. There was no other option rather than staying. It was time to sleep after all. Then, the mother left saying good night and the door was closed, leaving me on the bed and Midorikawa beside the door alone. No one looked at each other, however he was brave to speak up.

“That’s what may happen if he returns the kiss” that sudden reply made me widen my eyes. Kissing Akiyama like that? For a second, I rejected the idea. In the other hand, Midorikawa only put his books into his bag in front of me, so I grabbed his wrist.

“Tell me, was it good?” for some reason, I could look at his eyes when he lowered his head. Then, he continued saving books.

“You did well, he will like it, don't worry” his voice was soft, nice. His weak smile when he ended and turned to his bed was all I needed to know our friendship was still okay between us.

“Midorikawa... Thank you so much” I stood up suddenly and hugged his neck tightly, feeling two strong arms surrounding my thin body back. It was weird I would start a hug, but sometimes he really deserved it. He deserved my love.

“You're amazing. So don't worry, I'm sure he will love you back” he whispered beside my ear, showing me even more how precious he was for me. Everything he did was entirely for my happiness. I had never had such a good friend beside me.

Then, we broke the hug and acted as always, independently if we had kissed like that moments ago. We said good night and went to sleep to the futon and bed. It was really nice, because the clothes I was wearing still smelt like Midorikawa, so I cuddled up, letting his scent fill me to fall asleep right at the next second, knowing that day would be hard to forget. However, my last thought was, would Akiyama return my kiss?


	3. When Something Ends, Something Starts

Since that day, since that night, since that kiss, Midorikawa and I just pretended to be friends again. I could assure everyone could see how we were good friends. But only we could see how nothing was the same. And even like that, we hid it. Maybe being scared of what that might mean; maybe not wanting to lose each other; maybe just being confused about what had happened. We talked, we laughed, we hugged, we were as always. But we didn’t feel as always. I could see how the chats weren’t smooth anymore, how we stopped laughing when our eyes met, how our hugs became longer and warmer. It wasn’t confidence. It wasn’t any emotion I knew. It was something new, something special. Maybe a type of friendship I had never experienced until then. Maybe I wanted to be blind and forget. And I wondered if I was selfish. I could forget, but would Midorikawa forget too? His eyes told me he was still remembering each single second yet. So how could I not care?

Our day by day became going to the library and study. As before, we talked with Akiyama when we went away, I really enjoyed those chats, but I started to notice Midorikawa was silent when the security guard was near me. Because I began to be worried about that change of behaviour, I asked him if there was something wrong, and he told me it was okay, that he was just feeling out of place as long as I had the plan of confessing to him with a kiss. I understood that point of view, but there was no way I would do it in front of Midorikawa. There wasn’t a special reason, I just knew he couldn’t be present when I would take the step. That was why it was mid-December and I was still waiting for a day to do it. This time it wasn’t me who was delaying it because I was afraid, but because every time Midorikawa disappeared to let us be alone, I could always find him spying us behind a tree. I told him to stop, but he insisted that it was to bring me courage. So I decided I wouldn’t do it until the day he wouldn’t be there.

He was my best friend, but somehow I didn’t want to show him that. I felt bad. Like if I was betraying him for some reason. Every time I met Akiyama at the exit, I looked at his face and wondered if I really wanted a kiss with him as I had thought the first days. If I was sure. If that was worth it. My mind was full of doubts when I tried to clear it, but when my gaze looked at Midorikawa, it stopped thinking and there was only an alarm telling me to do it again. To repeat it again. Because he hadn't only stolen my first kiss, but also the second and the third and the fourth and the fifth. And I felt my chest burning when I closed my eyes and recalled that sensation over my lips. However, I opened them after panicking and wondered how I could be thinking like that about my best friend if the man I loved was Akiyama. I ended up reaching the conclusion it had just been the shock of the kiss and that it would be fixed when I would kiss Akiyama too. I convinced myself with that idea, repeating it like a mantra every time I was in the library.

Until the day when I was alone arrived. Midorikawa had called me saying he had a temperature and he would stay in home. So I thought that day would be the indicated one to show myself who I really loved. And also if Akiyama felt the same or not. All my doubts would be solved. I would put an end to my phase of indecisions and fears. A new era would start after that kiss, I just needed to be brave and give my best. Akiyama had to be mine or the effort Midorikawa did for me would be in vain. I couldn’t let him down in this way, I wanted him to be proud of me, to tell me how hard I worked, to see his smile again because I had done it. I needed to do it because of him.

That was why my mind was assimilating the fact I would do it. That we were talking and walking to our fate at that moment. That once we would be in the door, I would know the desired answer. All would end and all would start. I was just afraid of how. So once our feet stopped after going out having the door at my left and the stairs at my right, feeling the frozen wind surrounding me, seeing how small snowflakes were falling over the already stepped snow, I looked at his eyes when he was ending his sentence and I decided to do it. It was now or never.

“Akiyama” I called him so he looked down at me with that soft smile of his. He was perfect. He was overwhelmingly handsome. But was I destined to be with him? That was what I exactly thought before doing a step forward to grab his jaw with my cold hands and search for his lips with mine. My eyes were closed strongly, my chest would burst, and my mind... My mind just slapped me.

_He's not Midorikawa..._

Suddenly, two hands grabbed my shoulders and pushed me backwards, breaking the kiss, returning me to the reality where all was a mess and all was fucked up around me. My teary eyes saw how Akiyama was shocked, almost reaching the point between being angry and sad too. “Amano, what are you doing?!” he spoke, shaking me slightly from my shoulders, trying to make me react because I was blocked, my mind couldn’t assume anything. It was too much. It was impossible.

“I’ve always...”

“No!” he was being really harsh and it was tearing me up. “You’re a kid... I'm too old for you! You should be with someone like Midorikawa” at the same second I heard his name, something woke up inside of me.

“Why him?!” I yelled, feeling how the tears were falling. I was the worst.

“Because he is better for you than me, Amano” his words were destroying me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to know it. I didn’t want to see the truth. I just wanted to be answered by Akiyama and be happy. Why could it not be like that? Why couldn’t I have what I wished for once?! Why should I suffer?!

“He’s just my friend!” I cried out and started to run through the stairs, knowing I could fall if the snow was too slippery. But I didn’t care. After having been the most ridiculous person of the world, I simply didn’t care if I fell on the stairs. Maybe that would relieve the pain inside my chest who was piercing my heart and soul. I couldn’t believe Akiyama hadn't returned it. I wasn’t able to believe all my chances and hopes were broken. But was that why I was crying that much? Was that the reason why I had to stop beside a tree and fall on my knees because I was drowning? Was that or was it the fact he had told me Midorikawa was better and I just saw how awful I had been all this time? Which one was it? Who was more important? Who was the one I really loved? I couldn’t answer. Not because I didn’t know. Actually, I could choose in a second. Maybe I had already chosen in the past without seeing it. But I wasn’t brave to accept it. There was no way I would be able to see him again.

*****

Christmas arrived. I could see my brother, be in family again. I could start another year. I returned to classes, I focused on my exams. But.

I did not return to the library.

I did not see Akiyama again.

I did not talk to Midorikawa again.

I did not pick up his calls or answer his messages.

I did not see him anymore.

I deleted all. From my phone. From my room. From my mind. From my life. He hadn't existed for me.

I cried long nights thinking that was killing me when I realized I was alone in that world without him. I cried all I had in me every time I remembered those moments laughing or studying with him. Probably, that had been the hardest thing I did in my life after saying goodbye to my mother. Nothing could be compared. Nothing could hurt that much. Nothing could make me as happy as he did. And I hated it. I hated how I couldn’t be his friend. I hated how my feelings were bigger than my own will. If I had him in front of my eyes, I wouldn’t control myself. He was too important for me and feeling the same rejection with Midorikawa would be completely my destruction. I was ready for millions of things, but not for his rejection. That was why not seeing him again was the best. I had bothered him enough.

So the days continued passing by through January, welcoming the new year with cold and snow everywhere. I wished I could play again as when I was a kid and all I cared was my family. When I got wet and my mother scolded me, but I didn’t care because I was happy doing angels on the snow. Now even if my hand grabbed it, it would only melt, just reflecting my loneliness. Even when I stopped in that park, our park, and I cleaned a swing to sit down, I looked at the other one to see it empty. To see my side empty. It was painful. Why did it hurt that much even if it was my decision? Why? I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know if it was the good choice even if it was my decision. I wasn’t listening to my heart, I wasn’t listening to my head, I was just trying to not bother him anymore. Even if the price was my own happiness.

I had a small hope that I could be happy eventually as long as nothing was endless. But I wonder how long I would have to survive to this pain. If days, months, years... I was too young and probably that was what scared me the most. I still had long years ahead of me, and my future was empty. I was scared of living in an empty bubble. For the rest of my life. It was too much time to bear. It would become desperation if I continued like that. Wasn’t there a way to end it by myself? To shorten the time of my suffering. To shorten all I knew as life.

_Maybe I should kill m-_

“Amano?” a voice stopped the worst thought a human could had inside their mind. It said my name, so I turned around, finding those eyes I loved so much staring at me. Finding the person I wanted to see the most and the least at the same time. I widened my eyes and stood up, not knowing what to do in front of him. “Amano, why are you here if it's so cold?!” he scolded me while approaching and grabbed my hand as he always did. It was cold. A bit bigger than mine. But it was strong. Even if I didn’t move, he grabbed me too strong as if he was containing his possible anger inside. That was why I didn’t move and I obligated him to look at me.

“After a month... Don't you hate me?” I asked him with husky voice. Why did I want to cry?

“I thought you were who was hating me... I can't say I'm not angry, but your nose is red, your cheeks are covered by ice, have you been crying?” his free hand rubbed it to remove it. I wasn’t feeling cold anymore, though. “You’re shaking, let's go to your home first and after I will ask you for an explanation”

“No” I denied, not wanting to move from my place. “My dad is in a business trip the whole weekend and-“

“Okay, okay, come to my place, my parents went out for a dinner” Midorikawa found a solution for all my problems as he had always done. No matter if I had stopped every single contact between us for a whole month, it seemed like even less than a day had passed by. He was treating me as a prince. He was the only one who took care of me. Who really cared about me. No matter what. So as I had said, my control was lost. I threw myself to hug his neck, showing a mix of my feelings. How I had missed him, how I regretted it, how I loved him... But I never knew what he understood from that hug because he rubbed my head while breaking it, showing he was going to help me, but he was still angry. I just nodded and started to walk beside him, still holding hands. As if I didn’t know the path yet...

*****

After the whole time being in silence, we arrived to his house and I thanked deeply the warmth surrounding my being. I just stayed there, hugging my clothes, trying to erase the coldness inside of me, but it was impossible. So when Midorikawa had removed his coat and shoes, he turned around to remove first my scarf. My eyes only looked up, not even knowing what to say or do. Everything was out of place between us. Every word or action. But he was brave enough to continue opening my coat to take it off and follow with my shoes, I helped him, though. Then, he stood up again and saw how I was trembling under my sweater. For my surprise, he grabbed my arm and pushed me against his warm body to embrace me and stop trembling. My hand touched his shoulder while my head was resting on the other one.

“Tell me what I did, please” his voice remarked a despicable agony inside his words. It was all my fault, though.

“You only helped me constantly...” I couldn’t say more without feeling my eyes burning. I didn’t want to cry, but the guilt inside of me was too much. My fears were asking me if he would believe me. If he would forgive me. If he would want to stay with me after all I did. “I failed...” I didn’t want to tell more than this. “I kissed him and he rejected me... So all your effort was-“

“How can you be so stupid?” he hugged me tighter than any other person could have ever done. His hand brushed my brown hair and I just hid my face. Indeed, I was so stupid... “That asshole doesn’t deserve any of your tears, do you hear me?” he insulted him, surprising me because I thought they were friends too. “Also, friends are here to help, despite if we succeed or fail. It's not your fault, you did your best” he spoke softer this time and I just hugged him even more. Somehow, I could even hear his laugh. Was he... happy? “I thought you were hating me because I did something...” his voice sounded way relieved. Then, I raised my head.

“Impossible” our eyes met while being hugged, and that weird atmosphere was created again around us. My heart beat faster thinking I could repeat it. As that night. But. Maybe he would do as Akiyama. Maybe he would think the same as Akiyama. I didn’t want to be rejected by him again. And that fear was stronger than my own desire. So I lowered my head and leaned it again, making him laugh for some reason.

“Don’t be a lovey-dovey bear” he broke the hug with a tender smile. My body was warmer now. That was all I needed after all. His smile. “C’mon, you will take a hot bath and will sleep here the whole weekend” he spoke decided already and walked through the hallway of his house, but I rejected it as it was abusing his good will.

“I'm better, I can go-“

“No way. I won't let you be alone” his decision was firm and there was a big percentage I started to walk because I was horribly happy after hearing that. So I behaved as a good kid and took a hot bath to be able to stop that coldness from having stayed hours there when it was night at -5°C. Probably, if Midorikawa had not appeared at that moment, I would have never moved from there anymore...

Being warmer with his strong clothes again, I entered his room where he was waiting for me with two noodles cups. They were so hot and delicious that I thanked him. But somehow, I stayed looking at the wall again, looking all the pictures and all the stories he told me every time I came here to study during November and December. I knew so many already, like when he fell in the lake, or when he graduated from middle school. My favourites were when he escaped from his house to go to a concert and when he could adopt his first dog. Indeed, that wall represented his whole life. “Which one do you want to know today?” he asked me, remembering the promise we had. I smiled marking one.

It was one about a book called Misericordia’s Angel. I hadn't read that one. I was interested in it. “That book was a gift from my ex-girlfriend which made me love the world of libraries” he smiled nostalgically while touching the photo. My surprise was hard when I heard the word ex-girlfriend. A girl?

“Did you have a girlfriend?” I asked feeling a weird pressure inside of my chest. I was angry...

“Yes, when I lived in Fukuoka, I went out with her for two years, but we decided to break up when I had to move here and she was going to study overseas” he explained me with sad eyes. Did he still love her? Did he...? “Well, and tell me, what were you doing in that park? Don't you know it's dangerous with this cold?” he changed subject as fast as possible. Maybe it was bitter for him to remember her... So I just looked at my noodles and answered, being a bit down since then.

“I didn’t want to come back home...” my voice was lower than I expected, reflecting very well the mood I was entering suddenly. This was bad...

“Even if you're alone, you can't be outside-“

“It’s not that...” I cut him off and he left the empty cup over the desk so he could turn around a bit more and face me. “Today is the first anniversary of my mother's death... I didn’t want to be alone...” I confessed, feeling my chin trembling and my eyes watery again. Why couldn’t I stop crying? It was horrible...

“Amano... I'm so sorry...” he rubbed my back and I looked up not to let the tears fall, but it was a failed attempt. I had a whole world of pain inside my chest, it was burning me since the day she closed her eyes in that hospital bed after a fatal heart attack. I could not erase that image from my mind. Grabbing her hand, but feeling it dead. Calling her name, but having no response. Praying it was a dream, but waking up every morning without her. Even a year after, I searched for her.

“I miss her...” I cried. Why was saying it so hard? Was it as if my heart was being ripped out? “I can't be happy without her...” my hand tightened my grip around the cup. Why was I saying that to Midorikawa? “Every time I smile, it's like I'm betraying her for being happy without her...” words didn’t stop, though. It was like I needed to tell it finally after a year by suffering alone. Because after all, Midorikawa was the one who was listening to me and calming me with his hand over my knee, rubbing it slowly, supporting me to release all. “I try to remember her and it only hurts because I will never have those moments back...” I looked at him after that. “I don't know how to overcome this... I don't know how to do it...” exactly after that, the person in front of me removed the cup from my hands to hug my body while rubbing my hair.

“Don't worry, I'm here... I will help you” he whispered beside my ear, trying to calm me, but now... Now I only wanted to speak it up, to confess it all. To say all what was causing me guilt.

“I’m sorry...” I cried. “I couldn't anymore... I was going to keep there, alone... Frozen... I was so tired I couldn’t think...” once I said it, my weeping was the hardest, my sobs were loud and my hands only grabbed his jacket tightly, wondering if he could forgive me for my cowardice.

“Yuu, please, anything less giving up... I'm here, I promise you-“

“Just stop this pain inside of me...” I begged with agonizing voice. “Stop it, please... I can't anymore...” I begged him constantly against his shoulder until he separated me a bit and I saw how a tear was falling through his cheek. I was hurting him too.

“I will” he said and unexpectedly, he kissed me. My whole body stayed still, frozen, my breath was cut and my eyes were completely opened. He continued while my lips were still. Then, he stopped and checked my reaction. Indeed, all inside me had stopped after that. My weeping, the pain, my heart was at the verge of stopping too by how fast it was going. Was he able after all?

“Ryou...” I spoke his name before he would kiss me again. This time I closed my eyes, feeling not better, but at least in a healing bubble. Slowly, I started to be calmer and calmer as I began to return it. Then, I felt how I lay down over the bed with Midorikawa over me, kissing my lips softly. My arms hugged his neck shyly while wanting more from that bubble that was healing my soul bit by bit, with each kiss more, with each caress more. I couldn’t think anymore when his lips started to kiss my jaw and neck. Somehow, I wondered if that was okay, I wondered if I should do that. Because the guilt was created by anything.

“If I feel good... I'm...”

“If you get to be happy, she will be proud of you. Every time you smile, she smiles too” Midorikawa stopped my confused thoughts, helping me to see how it was in reality. “Her life stopped that day unluckily, but I bet she is sad if she sees how you waste your life like this...” he spoke over my neck while tears were falling through my temples. Why didn’t I see it like that before? Why didn’t I remember she only wanted me to be happy? Why did I forget it? Why did I blame myself? I should smile for her.

The guilt was hard to stop, it was really hard to get erased, but this time it wasn’t getting me from stopping Ryou to continue. My guilt was big, but the desire to feel that with him was even bigger so even if my hands wanted to push him away, they only grabbed his hair when he was kissing my torso. I still didn’t know when my clothes were removed or when we ended up inside his bed together while kissing, but I would never regret having removed his jacket and T-shirt to touch his skin as his lips were making me forget even that world existed around us. My mind was really being blocked by his touches and my desire. And that was what I needed, not thinking for a while. So I continued letting him remove all the clothes he wanted. I didn’t care what I was doing, I didn’t care what was happening, I didn’t care if we reached the very last limit. Because after all, it was Ryou with whom I was. So it was okay.

Everything was amazing. The pain was destroyed by the pleasure I was receiving by those lips which were insisting in kissing and staining all my skin. _Completely_. I never thought I could moan like I did with him because I always found it horribly embarrassing, but now, the louder I did it, the better I felt. Moaning was calming my sorrows inside. I was getting all out. So I wanted to moan even more. I grabbed his face and made him look at me. He returned to my lips and I could feel our two naked bodies together. I thought I could die at that exact moment. It was all... perfect.

“Yuu...” he said my name after kissing me and I didn’t know I could cry by happiness, but it was happening. I bet he thought it was because of my pain, but no. It was finally by the happiness of having that with Ryou, feeling how the chains surrounding my heart were starting to break finally. So I couldn’t let him stop at that moment when I saw he was moving as trying to get out of the bed. My hand grabbed the side of his neck, feeling anxious if he was going to go, but he turned around to smile. He was just trying to open a drawer and get a condom. I knew what that meant. He let it beside my head while he kissed me again.

So what I even dreamed... would become real that night...

I just heard the plastic. My insides were just screaming for him, he was the only one who was able to erase all what might hurt me and create a path for happiness and pleasure. I needed that. I needed to feel how that sweet pain broke me slowly when Ryou moved inside of me. I could only complain and breathe hard, even a tear fell which he kissed sweetly. I preferred that pain thousands of times, because it was created by what was making me the happiest person that night. So it was natural if aside of moans, I asked him for more shyly. My legs hugged his hips because the movement was being wilder. I begged him for it being harder, for more of that sweet pain. But the harder he did it, the better it felt. Pain disappeared and it only provoked me to moan while arching my back a bit.

My hands only touched that soft skin all I wanted, I could even scratch his back a bit. But what I really loved the most was when I wanted to shout by a hard heat filling me and he moaned against my neck as his hips just created in me the most wonderful pleasure I could ever feel.

When all ended abruptly, I could only breathe hard. I wanted to fall asleep, but at the same time, two hands turned me around and opened my legs a bit. Behind me, I could hear a second plastic being broken and I smiled, knowing I would be able to feel it again. And indeed, it came back, but this time, I was feeling his torso against my back and small kisses left over my shoulder and neck. They made me laugh and I didn’t care, because when I leaned on my elbows and looked back, he welcomed me with soft kisses as that sensation was returning inside of me. He was being incredibly tender with every move and caress, but of course, I wanted to see him...

“Ryou...” I called him and he rubbed my cheek with his nose. “I want to see you...” my voice was embarrassed so I could hear a soft chuckle. Then, he turned me around again and made me sit over him, seeing how the sheets fell behind his back, showing to the world we were naked, sharing the most important parts of ourselves to each other. I caressed his face with both hands while he was embracing my waist. I decided to peck his lips tenderly before moving so I could confess it. “Thank you” I muttered against his lips. “Thank you...” I said it again when I hugged his neck again because it was way deeper, way uncontrollable. Even Ryou was moaning with weak gaze. I loved looking at his eyes, we were so close it was the first time I could see glimpses of green into them. He was so wonderful...

“Yuu... I...” he muttered between gasps and I waited for more, I waited to hear it, but it never came. So I smiled and I understood it couldn’t be. His sad eyes confirmed me this would be the first and last. It was okay, though. At least I could feel his love for a night. I gave him all and he gave me all. I was satisfied. I was okay. I had to lie to myself. I had to see I didn’t need this every single day in my life. I was able to do it, to close a chapter of my life that night. If I wanted to keep him beside me, I had to forget this. I could do it. I was a new version of myself, so I was sure I would be able not to kiss him again after we lay down tired over the pillow and he kissed me for last time before I would close my eyes to sleep.

The more important thing in my life was Ryou. I wouldn’t let anything make me lose him no matter what.

*****

Every time I moved, in my dreams there was a hard pain inside of me. I didn’t know if it was a nightmare or not, I couldn’t even remember what was appearing in it. I just knew that when I opened my eyes, I just found a bedroom that wasn’t mine there. I recognized it was Midorikawa's and I just turned around to continue sleeping, but then, my butt really hurt. My face got flushed and I covered my whole being with those sheets. My first time had been with him... I really wanted to die by a mix of embarrassment and happiness there. I remembered it and I could only smile in some parts. There was no way I would regret having done that...

However, I noticed I was alone there, so I sat on the mattress bearing the ache while I saw how all the clothes were on the floor, how the sheets were a mess, how I was naked yet. The only different thing was the cups noodles. They weren’t there anymore, so I concluded Ryou had woken up and let me sleep a bit more. That was why I grabbed my clothes and got dressed because for some reason, I wasn’t warmer anymore. So I opened the door slowly and went to find out where he was, probably in the kitchen to have breakfast.

By my surprise, the only person I found was his mother who smiled at me. I tried to return it, but I was too nervous to show a proper expression without looking awkward. “Yuu, good morning” she spoke as nice as always and I got closer to her to see what she was doing. A bit of natural orange juice seemed really good in the morning. “Are you hungry?” her sweet voice asked me.

“I'm starving” my answer made her happy and she gave me a glass of juice then.

“Perfect, you still have to grow up!” it ended up being surprising compared to my age.

“But I'm already 17” I said shyly and she tilted her head.

“Aren’t you from Ryou's university?” her question left me puzzled. “He never tells us anything about you, so I thought you were from his class or alike” the poor woman seemed embarrassed by not knowing how we met and I decided she should know a bit more about her son.

“I'm still in preparatory. We met in the library around October” I explained to her. Her face didn’t look too convinced, though.

“And when is your birthday?” another question more.

“February 28th” I answered naturally.

“Oh! Just one month more! Be sure to come here that day, okay?” she smiled at me and I nodded.

“Stop answering her questions, the more you say, the more she asks” suddenly, a voice appeared behind me and I turned around to find Ryou on the threshold. Our eyes met and I looked away. I was horribly embarrassed after last night, we shared... all...

“Ryou, a mother has to know about the person who's going out with her son” abruptly she spoke that and the both of us widened our eyes.

“We’re friends!” not only Ryou, I said that also, at the same time, which was funny for his mother. Maybe she could see we were panicking.

“But last night you were lucky to be alone, right?” she spoke while continuing cleaning the worktop after making the juice. I thought he and I would faint at that moment. How did she know about last night?!

“Mom, I told you not to enter my room when you want!” Ryou yelled at her, being really nervous. I just stayed in silence, though.

“I just wanted to know if you were okay and I found you sleeping together” she explained while turning around with her most normal face. Was that okay for her?

“He was really cold and I-“

“Ryou, without clothes, really?” she cut off his intentions to give her any stupid excuse no one would believe at all. She had found us, we had to accept it. But now, I wondered what last night would mean for our friendship...

“But we're friends, that's true” her son insisted and her mother sighed.

“Nowadays youth is really complicated...” and she went away without another word. I looked at Ryou and he looked at me, probably wondering what had just happened in that kitchen.

“I'm sorry for this, she's so...”

“No, no, don't worry” I tried not to give it too much importance and suddenly, he caressed my cheek. Why...?

“You’re smiling” he spoke softly with brilliant eyes. Then, I noticed I had been smiling since I woke up. I wondered why... Possibly, it had been thanks to him. Thanks to have ripped out all of my sorrows last night.

“I feel good...” I bit my lower lip, not knowing too well what to say or do when slowly, he approached.

“You're more handsome now. Your blue eyes are wonderful like this” he remarked and I blinked several times. I usually forgot my eyes were blue as long as everyone here had them brown. Then I searched for the green in Ryou's, but I found nothing.

“Don't you have them green?” I asked him, but he shook his head with a frown. Then, why did I remember that emerald green from last night?

“About last night...” suddenly he said and I wanted to end the sentence before hearing it had all been his peculiar help. I didn’t want to hear it.

“It was a great help, seriously. It was amazing...” I smiled, but that didn’t impede him from removing his hand from my cheek. Even if he was smiling too, I could feel he wasn’t okay.

“Yeah... It was... wow...” he laughed. I decided maybe it was time to set it like that instead of continuing a nonsense of one-side love.

“Then, friends, right?” I asked him and he nodded.

“Friends” even after saying that, he grabbed my waist and I hugged his neck. Possibly, being friends was the best lie ever told between us. But I was too afraid of losing him if I tried to confess so I just decided if I could be beside him, it was enough. This embrace was enough. What I didn’t know was for how long it would be enough...


	4. Farewell

“Brother! I got accepted!” I grabbed my phone strongly, wanting to hear his reaction. “Yes, yes. Now, I have to start to pack” why was that hurting me? “I’m so happy to be able to live with you again” why was that happiness being eclipsed by the sadness? “I will call you back when I will tell father” I needed to prepare something first. “Bye”

It wouldn’t be the only farewell I would have to say, though.

*****

As every other day, I was going to meet Midorikawa that evening, but as exams had finished already for both, we were going to play games at my house. It was the first time he would come at my place, so I was nervous. We had just stayed as friends since that night, but I could see how our bond got stronger. It was usual to see us playing around and laughing, we were really close so normalcy meant to be in touch almost constantly. I could say I was relaxed like that whilst we could maintain those two nights aside, but it would be a lie. This closeness made my feelings got deeper too. I started to love all about him. It was hard not to cross the limit between friends when the only thing my head was thinking was about those lips or what would happen if we got another night like the last one. Probably my hormones were a bit crazy since I tasted that, but also, I could blame Ryou every time he appeared almost naked in front of me, or when he lay down over me, also when he hugged me from behind and I could feel his breath on my neck. Being weak wasn’t enough to describe my behaviour when he was around.

However, I didn’t know how, but I could contain myself and just stay still every time I felt in that way, so he would just get tired and continue studying or doing whatever we would be doing at that moment. He didn’t seem as bothered because he kept doing it at the next day, so I kept behaving like that too. We could look stupid for just calling that friendship, but I still didn’t know why Midorikawa did all of that and I was so horribly scared of asking. A kiss and sex could mean nothing as long as they were two very special moments. So adding that I applied for a Tokyo university and I got accepted, it was better not to even try it. It had a ending date.

That was why that evening would be hard for me, I had to tell him. I had to tell him I would go away, I would move, we wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore. And just the simple thought of that pierced my heart like I never thought possible. Coming from a youth filled with emptiness regarding human's love, it was normal if my expectations for preparatory would be just study and move. Actually, the whole three years seemed a torture because I could only imagine the liberation of the day I would move finally with my brother. However, against all odds, it wasn’t a liberation. It was a loss. I would lose him. I had all the possible technology on my hands, but I knew it would be impossible. We didn’t talk at this point, the main purpose of meeting was being together, so Tokyo would mean the end between us.

I still didn’t know how I would say it, how I would explain it, and I only cared about his reaction. A part of myself told me he would be happy for me, hiding his sadness, but another part told me he would take it harshly. Right now, he existed for me as I existed for him. World around us didn’t mean a big thing the most of the time so I just didn’t only wonder how I would get to go through it, but also how he would get to accept I had to go. I wanted to believe he was strong enough without me, but since that night, his level of dependence on me had reached an extreme limit. I was really worried. Because I knew just a call wouldn’t be enough since the day I would take that train of no return to Tokyo.

So it was normal if I was thinking about it so much that when the bell rang, the scare was big in me. I gulped, searching for all the courage to open the door and greet that smiling boy in front of me. I let him come inside and I took him to my room because my father was around and I really felt shy if I had to introduce them. It was small with just the needed furniture and pretty dirty as long as I wasn’t almost in it. I tried to hide some used boxers under the bed, but his eyes caught that smart move. “You should clean a bit instead of hiding it” he sat on the bed and I looked away. He loved embarrassing me under the excuse that I looked really cute. I had tried to punch him so many times after doing that to see if he would stop, that I was already too tired. So at the next moment a hand was offered to me, I took it flushed because I knew it meant a hug. That warmth returned. That nice feeling filled me. My hand brushing his hair was calming and he played with his nose over my neck. He knew I laughed a lot with that.

Until the moment the door was opened suddenly and I broke all of that in a second to lean on my desk while scratching my nape. “Dad, I can-“

“Since when do you have a boyfriend?” he asked me with that serious face of him. Since a kid, I had been scared when he had that expression.

“No! Dad, he's just a friend” I explained to him, watching how Midorikawa stood up to bow to him. I was hating that scene...

“Sir, I'm Midorikawa Ryou, Yuu's friend. Nice to meet you” he talked politely and I just wished they wouldn’t start to talk about me. Because that had happened already considering that my father loved talking about me.

“Nice to meet you, boy” he bowed back, looking as being in a rush, so I knew this wouldn’t last longer luckily. “Yuu, what about the university?” he asked in the middle of the room and my obligation was answering him. Even if that would mean that Ryou would know it sooner than I expected.

“I got accepted” I told him shyly and I saw the most emotional gaze on his face since the last year. He left his briefcase on the floor and entered my room to hug me tightly. My first reaction was widening my eyes, not having expected that reaction in centuries. But after, I just hugged him back, knowing that was what I needed to overcome my future.

“I'm so proud of you” he muttered with his low voice and patted my head. I had tears in my eyes sincerely. I was really grateful with him. “I have to go for a meeting, the dinner is in the fridge. Remember to call your brother” he reminded me as if I was a kid and I nodded to all.

“Yes, be careful” I spoke to him and finally, he closed the door. Now, the storm was arriving.

“Yuu! Why didn’t you tell me you got accepted?!” Midorikawa said excited and suddenly he hugged me so tight I wished time would stop and I didn’t have to say anything else. But it was impossible.

“I received it today...” I muttered it, trying to show my best smile, but indeed, he could read me again when our eyes met.

“Aren't you happy?” his hand caressed my cheek as he always did when he asked me about how I was. It was really lovely in him.

“I’m so happy” I clarified.

“Then?” his face turned really worried. I was so sorry.

“It’s a Tokyo university” finally I said it. Finally, I had said our fate. He tried to laugh thinking I was joking, but as long as I kept serious, his next expression was anguish.

“Why Tokyo?!” he was breathing hard and the best I could do was trying to calm him, but he rejected any type of help. He only needed to hear answers.

“It has been my dream since I started preparatory, I didn’t expect I would find-“

“Why haven't you told me since the beginning, then?!” he yelled at me, having a big point there. It only made me feel worse and worse...

“I didn’t know if I would pass so I chose-“

“And what happens with us?!” his eyes were piercing me. I had never been treated like that by Ryou, but I could know he was just panicking, because I could see how a tear fell from his left eye.

“We’re just friends...” maybe that was too harsh for him now.

“I’m so tired of that friends thing” he declared. I tried to get closer, but he didn’t allow me. I just wanted to disappear at a moment like that. Maybe he was tired of me.

“I can understand you’re bothered, I can understand you're afraid. But you have to understand I am too. So just give me a break, please” my words were simple, if he didn’t understand that, I would just go away. I had never argued with him, that wouldn’t be the first time. So I looked at his eyes, waiting for his answer, waiting for his reaction. It was hard to keep that.

“I just don't understand why you didn’t tell me anything” his frustration was stronger than never and I knew it was my fault. For not having told him anything. “If I had knew, I would have been ready now. I would have been happy for you. I wouldn't have been arguing right now when it's supposed to be a happy day for you” those words made me realize he was more worried about hurting me when I was going to do the biggest step of my life than about me having to go and being unable to meet again in a long time. I could understand why he was angry. He was angry with himself, after all. Ryou had always been a calm person who could always control his emotions and act perfectly, that was why he could seem as a popular guy when the only friends he had were counted with a hand. But every time I was with him, I was able to feel that control vanished and Ryou felt lost with me so many times. As that moment. He was unable to control anything and started to get frustrated and mad. It was like a small, scared kid when control was out of his hands. It was my turn now to take over and give him the protection he needed. Even if it was for last time.

“Ryou” I called him. “I’m sorry for not having told you, I preferred to say it when I would have the yes or no from the university not to create bad feelings in you. I can understand if you're not able to feel happy, because I can't either” my words were soft, low, comprehensive; I tried to give my best to calm him and show him I was feeling the same. I didn’t want to lose him. I refused to lose him.

“I...” he tried to speak, but he lowered his head. Indeed, he didn’t want to lose me either. So I approached and hugged him tightly. Two long arms embraced me as always, with that warmth proper of him. I rubbed his back slowly because I started to feel my shoulder wet where he put his forehead. Suddenly, my hair was brushed and he raised his face to look at me really close, even our noses were touching. I could have swore my heart was going to burst, but I had to stop that. Otherwise I knew we would end up on that bed, being each other's mess for hours. It was now when we had to control what was inside of us more than never. Now it was clear for me that I wasn’t just a simple friend for Ryou, so exactly because of that, I had to do a horrible effort to swallow my own feelings and stop him. Stop what I desired day after day.

“Ryou, don't do it...” I spoke while caressing his cheek, looking how his eyes only stared at my lips. “We don't have already time” my smile was weak, forced. There was no happiness in me. But I needed to show him it was okay. If we stopped now, it would be the best. We needed this. Otherwise, it would hurt us more and more. It would destroy us.

“Right?” then, he smiled back, that calmness coming back and he separated slowly. A part of myself wanted him to force me to betray my control, but another part of me was thanking him for not making anything more complicated. However. “Better if I go” he said out of the blue and grabbed his bag. I didn’t understand why he had to go like that so I grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Stay” my awkward attempt was rejected when he kissed my hair and smiled me for last time before he got out of my room and I was left alone. I didn’t know why I didn’t chase him. I didn’t know why I stayed there, looking at the door with widened eyes, still feeling that kiss over my hair. I didn’t know why that felt as the real farewell between us. Until I started to see that Ryou didn’t contact me anymore. I sent him messages and he didn’t answer. I tried to call him, but they were rejected. Day after day, I searched the smallest way to talk with him again, but there was no response since he left my bedroom.

The sadness in me for having provoked all of that was so deep that I kept crying on my bed for whole nights. Of course I meant we didn’t have time to try it, but I would have never wanted that our friendship would have to end like that. We didn’t deserve it. I refused to believe our farewell had to be one month before I would move. So I started to think what would happen if I went to his house. If I just forced that meeting again. I didn’t want him to hate me, but somehow, I wanted to see him. I missed him. I felt so lonely without his jokes or smiles. If that was how I would feel in Tokyo, I refused it would begin one month before. I was hating the idea of losing Ryou before time.

So one day, I grabbed my coat and my scarf and I went to his house. I walked all the path just to see him, to scold him by being a kid. To maybe hug him again. To maybe be happy again because I saw his smile. Perhaps I was being really egoistic because I was forcing me to be in his life when he didn’t want me to be beside him anymore. However, I refused to let him go and be okay with that. He was too important for me. That was why I had the courage of being in front of the main door and ringing the bell. During the waiting, I wondered who would open the door and I daydreamed until it was opened for real and his mother appeared with a smile. “Oh, dear. Hi! Come inside” she offered me to enter and I thanked her. I changed my shoes for slippers and turned around.

“Is Ryou at home?” my face wasn’t serious on purpose, but actually her smile disappeared and nodded sadly.

“Yes, in his room. He has stayed there for days. Has something happened?” she asked worried. It was all my fault.

“I decided to go to study to Tokyo and he's not so happy about that...” I told her and her hand covered her mouth surprised.

“Dear... Go talk with him, I won't disturb you” she spoke with sad voice and I thanked her with a smile. Then, already knowing the path, I walked until being in front of his door and I knocked on it, however, no voice let me go in. Even if he was sleeping, I would go inside, so I opened the door, hitting me a weird smell in the air and just darkness because the window was totally closed. After, my eyes could see a shape in the bed with a laptop and I saw how he moved surprised.

“What's wrong with you?!” I spoke to him who remained speechless. I closed the door, but opened the window to get light and fresh air. Then, I approached the bed and tried to remove his laptop.

“Just go away” he didn’t give it to me and answered me rudely.

“Are you nineteen or five years old?” I asked to him while sitting on the bed. He looked at me bothered and this time I was faster to remove his laptop. He complained, but I didn’t care anymore while leaving it over the desk and returning to the bed. “Is this how you want to finish all?” I asked him. Midorikawa only kept looking down, maybe ashamed or maybe controlling his anger. “Remember what happened in this bed” I said out of the blue, even getting flushed while Ryou looked at me surprised. “Do you want to end that like this?” I asked him again, having two widened eyes on me. However, he didn’t say even just one word.

Then, suddenly someone opened the door and came. “Oh dear, sorry I forgot! Happy birthday!” his mother walked to me and I stood up because she wanted to hug me. Even if that seemed as the opposite of what she told me about not disturbing, I knew she was helping me somehow when she winked at me. Indeed, it was my birthday, but how could I use that with Ryou? Then, she scolded her son for being that impolite with me and went away. I really admired her.

“Is it your birthday?” he asked with low voice as a kid who tried to approach after having done something really bad. I sat in front of him and nodded.

“Eighteen finally” I smiled. “We can stay a bit later in the street now” that made us laugh because we always had to be in a rush to arrive home because of me.

“I’m sorry that I didn't know when your birthday was... I have no gift or-“

“Actually you have” suddenly, I said, knowing it could be mean, but maybe that would make him open his eyes. “Why don't you give me the best last month with you as gift?” I asked him, being completely serious about that. His head was shook in disbelief.

“How can you be so cheeky?!” he spoke to me with a smile and I knew he was back. Ryou was back finally.

“Well, deal or no deal?” I insisted with a naughty smile and he sighed.

“You will end up being fed up of me” he said before moving and trapping me against the mattress to tickle me. I just couldn’t laugh more. I was even crying because my belly was hurting. He was really good and if he stopped was because I was at the verge of dying. Then, he took his camera from the desk and returned to be over me. His hand continued and when I was laughing he took a photo of me. After, I begged him to stop and when I could sit, he gave me the photo. I thought I was seeing the best photo of myself. It was really cool because I had never seen me laughing like that.

“It’s wonderful, Ryou” I said and he took it again to kneel on the bed in front of his wall full of pictures. “Wait, will you put it?!” I panicked because his parents would see it there and it was so embarrassing.

“Yes, if this wall represents my life, then you have to be here no matter what” he spoke and it stopped me from not letting him. I got really nervous because I knew what that would mean. He only added really important things on that wall and the fact that a picture of me smiling marked the point that every time I smiled, his life changed a bit more. He was adorable.

“Why aren't you photographer?” I asked while taking the camera with my own hands. It weighted a bit, but it was so nice to use. When I tried to see through it, catching the right angle of the life in general was hard, so I could feel the natural skill in Midorikawa for it.

“Because it's just a hobby. My real goal is being a teacher” he confessed while standing up and approaching me to take the Polaroid.

“A teacher?” I looked at him. “You have always taught me really well” maybe that would seem as a small encouragement and Ryou just smiled tenderly.

“I know. Come here” he changed subject as one of his arms hugged my waist, moving me to press my back against his torso while his other arm was stretched with the camera.

“A selfie?” I frowned, but he only nodded and tilted a bit his head. We couldn’t see how the photo was going to look like so I just smiled and dared to grab that cold hand over my belly. Then, a sudden flash appeared and the photo started to go out. He shook it a bit and when it showed up, I grabbed it. It was beautiful. We looked as a couple...

Right after, I saw how that lazy ass left the camera on the desk and threw himself over the bed. I put the photo beside it and went to disturb him because I was amazed he had no will to do something with me during my birthday. “No, no, no. Don't go to sleep!” I kneeled on the bed while shaking his shoulder and he turned around smiling. “At least take a shower, you stink” I provoked him, I wanted some type of reaction that I could understand because sometimes Ryou became an enigma for me.

“I should, yes” he sighed while standing up and went to take some clothes. I just kept looking at him until the moment when he was going to open the door, but he turned around as remembering something. “About my gift, you will have it” he spoke and suddenly, he kissed the hair over my forehead. After, he left. And I fell on the bed being unable to breathe because my heart wanted to die every time he kissed my hair lately. It was like his way to show what he couldn’t because we were friends. So just that reminder made me want to shout like an excited girl and instead, I just rolled on the bed to grab his pillow and smell his scent. And even if it stank a bit, I just hugged it while smiling.

_Ryou..._

*****

Day after day Ryou came to pick me up and go somewhere. One day it could be just being in a park talking, other day it could be a movie in the cinema, other day we went for a meal, and my favourite days were the ones when we kept in his bedroom or in mine just playing games or checking new stuff. I saw him every single day during hours. All his time was dedicated to me. All his attention was spent on me. All his love was for me. That was why I was constantly weak around him. I was only thinking on how beautiful he was and how much he meant for me. And that provoked a few situations, especially in his bedroom, when we almost kissed a few times, but nobody did the final step at the end. The first time was amusing somehow, but after three or four times, we ended up being really weak, just knowing if we looked at each other again, we would end up over that bed, doing what I dreamed of almost every night. And I wondered why we couldn’t be stronger to repeat it and stop again. Everything would be easier if we would be able to live that together once more before I would go. However, knowing our story, that would only create more pain and unnecessary desires, what made our day by day more complicated.

So we decided to stop with the caresses, the closeness, staying over to sleep together. The only thing that remained was that kiss over my hair every time we said goodbye. For me it was enough to want to grab his T-shirt and lose that control that allowed me to maintain my sanity a bit more. And many times I wondered why I didn't do it, why we never started something, but as the day arrived, I understood it was better not to make it deeper or the farewell would destroy all we could be. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye even being friends, though. He had became my life. That person who cheered my days up, who made everything shine around me, who created infinite smiles on my face, who taught me life was an incredible chance not to waste. He showed me how worth it I was. How amazing I was. How I could go through all without breaking. So how was I supposed to say goodbye?

Now, being still while waiting for my train, having Ryou in front of me, how was I able to show a smile? Although he was the only one there because my father had to go earlier, I wasn’t capable of showing a proper face to him. Even if there was only five minutes left before the train would come, we didn’t talk, we didn’t look at each other, we only stayed there, waiting. Then, I knew if I wasted that time, I would regret it after, so I decided to be brave for last time and I held his hand out of the blue while gazing at him. He turned around and got closer as his free hand caressed my face. I wasn’t able to say a word, though. Nothing was in my mind and when I was at the verge of crying, he hugged me tightly. It was like his arms were protecting me for last time and that just made me rethink if I should go. Because the only thing I wanted was being with him no matter what.

“Yuu...” then, he spoke and we looked at each other. Finally, I saw the truth. “I love you” he muttered in the middle of the train station, under the sound of a train arriving and even if all was moving around me, time stopped. My whole being was frozen. I wasn’t supposed to hear that. I wasn’t ready to hear that. No way I could leave if that was real. So it had to be false.

“Ryou, it's not a moment to joke!” I laughed, crying inside. Why did it have to end like that? Why couldn’t I answer back? Then, I looked beside me and the answer was because my future wasn’t with him. Our paths were going to go in different ways. It was clear.

“Right? I shouldn’t be joking” he laughed back, following that as if he was really doing a joke. I admired and hated that part of him. Because if he asked me to stay, I would send the university to hell and stay beside him no matter what. However, I knew he would never ask me such a thing, and I also knew we would never be happy if one of us had to sacrifice our future because of the other. So after all, that was the best decision.

“I have to go”

_It hurts..._

“Text me when you arrive, please”

_Just hold my hand..._

“Of course, I won't stop texting you!”

_Don't let me go, please..._

“I will block you then!”

_Stop me, please..._

“Stupid, don't do that!”

_I need you..._

“Okay, okay, just enter before you lose the train!”

_You're my life..._

“Shut up!”

_I love you too..._

My feet stepped into the train, being the last person before the doors would be closed and at the same time I realized there was no way back, that I couldn’t get out of there, that I wouldn’t have his hugs, his kisses, his caresses, his smiles back, that I wouldn’t see him again in years, I turned around searching for a way to stop my own choice, to stop that train and open that door, but I just stared at that Ryou who sat over a bench there while covering his eyes with both hands and I could see how his body sobbed. My hand touched the door as the train started to move, I tried not to shout his name, I tried not to cry, I tried not to break in the middle of the train, but only three words returned to my mind.

_I love you..._

It had never been a joke, it was the reason I needed to stay. It was all I wanted to hear since months. It was all I asked to be happy. But now I was just watching how that crying boy was getting smaller as the train increased its speed. And my punishment was living the hell I created without being able to do anything. How would I be able to be without him? How could I? I just wanted to return and tell him that I loved him more than anyone else in my life, that I wanted to live an eternity beside him. That he was all I had ever wished for. And as long as it was too late, only one question was inside of me.

_What have I done?_


	5. Old Memories

I can't say my life has been the best in Tokyo. The university almost killed me by how hard it was and as soon as I ended it, I decided I should work because my brother has paid my part too in the apartment we have shared. It has been unfair, all I did there, in the big city, has been unfair. I have really hated to see how I couldn’t get a decent job after ending the degree and my brother still had to take care of both. It wasn’t like he complained, but my conscience wasn’t calm by seeing that. So as long as I was really tired of Tokyo because it is too overwhelming for me, a North man, I sent applications for libraries in Sapporo and that's what I am doing here, being back to my city, back to my childhood and life, to work as a librarian in a prestigious high school of the city. I am not as happy as I should be because after all being back brings me good and bad memories. However, I need to be strong in this new era of my life where studies are finished and I have to act as a proper adult by working and paying my own bills. By now, I chose a small apartment near so I don't have to rush every morning. I think, or better say I want to think, I can live alone from now on even if I may end up in my father's house almost every day searching for a proper meal or because I'm not used to live alone and loneliness is my worst enemy.

So today is the day before I will start my first day and sincerely, I am just doing circles in my room, trying not to be nervous, but in reality I am going to die by a heart attack if I don’t stop now. That's why I think taking a bath will be the best to get relaxed for tomorrow. Then, I go to my bathroom and after ending, I am drying myself and my eyes keep looking at the mirror where my reflection is being projected. Indeed, I haven’t changed too much. I am a bit taller and I have been training my muscles for the last year so I think I have a nice shape. However, every time I look to my face, my blue eyes highlight deeply. I try to cover them with my long, brown hair, but as always I seem more like a dog instead like a guy, so I just shake it a bit and let it dry by itself, getting it a bit curly in some parts.

Then, with the pyjama, I go to the living room to open some boxes and finally end the move before I will really start to work seriously in the library. The most I want to do this night is placing all my books in the shelves, so one by one, it ends up having dozens of them. And I just stop with one. _Misericordia’s Angel_. I bought it during the university and I read it. It is about an angel who has always been so merciful with everyone and is famous because of that. Until one day, she finds a demon and instead of killing him as long as he was in sacred territory, she decides to help and hide him. Slowly, they fall in love, but in order not to become a fallen angel and be executed, she has the order to kill him publicly when they are figured out. In the end, she refuses to do it and they run away to the humans' world just to live a peaceful life together.

Actually, it is a book filled with metaphors and life lessons which I could have applied to myself when I was younger, exactly for the person who made me know that book. However, life is not a book, I cannot rewrite the end if I don’t like it, so in order to take the decision I think it’s the best, I have to sacrifice something else. And probably nowadays I am still wondering if it was worth it. I still wonder what would have happened if I had stayed. Indeed, there’s no day I don’t think about him, even six years after, even two failed relationships after, there’s only one person inside of my head from time to time. And I often wonder where he is now or what he is doing, even if he is okay. Because after I moved, we talked a bit more, but stopped after a few months. None of us had enough time, it was constantly tense and slowly we stopped answering each other until today. It is true that I came back to Sapporo once two years ago, but I wasn’t ready to meet him after all so I didn’t contact him and deleted his phone number. I am sure he has forgotten me. It was just an impossible love story between two teenagers. If now I had the same situation, I would end it at the next second. I stopped playing around so much time ago when just recovering from that hit was too hard.

So, not wanting to remember any single bad feeling, I leave the book on the shelve and I close the box to finalize another one. Now, it is time to sleep because I know tomorrow's morning will be really hard so I get into my bed and try to sleep. Failing horribly when my mind starts to remember every type of moment with that person. I really get bothered when I realize I cannot stop that because it is still affecting me. I wonder what I should do to forget him. How many years more I will have to dream about him every night when I close my eyes.

*****

The person in charge of showing me the library and around is really nice. She is a teacher and explains all so well, but somehow I am so nervous that I can’t focus properly so for sure I won't remember even half of it at the next hour. It isn’t a problem, though, I am used to go asking around or do circles until finding what I want. So getting adapted to that place will be really easy. After all, I am loving it, I am loving how everything looks like and I have just entered it. Full of books and with an old appearance thanks to the black wood used on the shelves. I think working here will be pretty amazing.

Then, after showing me the place, she has told me to meet the people I am going to work with, who is only the security guard. We walk and when she calls him and he turns around, my brain freezes and I just want to die at that single moment. Years after of having committed the worst mistake of my life, there he is smiling at me until the moment she speaks my name. Then, I can see how he widens his eyes and we keep looking at each other, not knowing too well what to say because the last time we met was that evening, when I decided to kiss him and I was rejected. So it is normal if now I just want to run away instead of speaking up.

“Akiyama, long time no see you” I try to seem formal, to sound polite and pretend to be okay with that. It is all a lie of course. How can I be okay with the man I supposed to love and who ended up rejecting me?

“Amano, long time no see you, yes. How have you been?” he asks, I can say he is just being polite, there is no reason why he worries about me after almost six years. It is too much time to continue worrying about someone.

“I've just come back to Sapporo after the university. And you?” I explain the least, there is no need to tell him details. That was already too embarrassing to act like friends. I was mature enough not to be that fake.

“Well, as you can see, still as security guy” he laughs. Somehow, he is still as handsome as always. It is nice to see him again. After so many years, I have been wondering what he would be doing or how he would remember me. Now I know he has no problem after what I did. What is relieving.

“Oh, so do you know each other yet?” the teacher asks surprised and we both nod. “Way better! Because I need to go, Akiyama please, take care of him then, thank you!” after, she walks to the exit in a rush because the classes are going to start. I can’t tell her to stay because she is so fast so I keep looking at him, wondering what I should do there and suddenly, he seems as noticing my condition.

“Ah, yes! Well, this is for you to work” he speaks while showing me a place with all the needed to maintain a library properly. It is really nice, so easy to understand and take care of. I think I will be able to do it so I go to sit on the chair and turn on the computer to start to be familiarize with everything. I almost worked in a library in Tokyo so I know how that works. It isn’t new for me in the aspect of ordering books and controlling which are taken or returned. So while I am trying to do my new job, I realize there is someone who is in front of me for some reason, so I raise my head to see what he wants. It would be easier if he went away, but well.

“Does something happen?” I ask politely, trying to force a smile not to seem cold because after all who messed all up between us was me.

“I think we have to solve it” he says in the middle of there and I am not able to keep my poker face at all. Because I really know what that means. What it is. It is the thing I want it to be forgotten. Obviously for Akiyama, it is not like that.

“We're working now” I try to escape like that and I almost get it, but he has always known how to make me listen to him.

“I know. What about after work?” that sentence tells me a lot of things I don't like, but for some reason I can't really say why I don't reject it straight. And I really know how it will be. But I am not fast enough to say it. “I know it was many years ago, but I’ve always regretted the way I answered you. I think you deserve a proper explanation even if it’s now” his voice is full of regret. His eyes shine loads of sincerity and somehow, I know I've always wanted to properly end that subject with him because how everything ended back then has always been like a thorn in my side. So I nod, preferring to regret going instead of not going and never having that explanation. “Great! At 8 in Remedy's” he concretes and walks away with a smile to let me work at ease.

However, after thinking about it for a while, I realize that old wounds may be opened if some subjects are touched and I am sure we are going to end up talking about _him_. It's just a fact of time to know when and how. Understanding this, a fear grows up inside of me because I don't know if I'm finally ready to talk about him after so many years and after having broken the contact in such a way. I can't be sure if my chest will hurt or not; if memories will hurt or not; if I will miss him or not. Because even today, a hard nostalgia fills my being every time I remember him.

*****

Coming inside of a modern bar with numerous colourful lights and cool music filling the atmosphere feels like I haven’t lived my youth enough because I feel really weird there, I'm not used at this at all, exactly because I had no time during my college. So now I wonder if I have missed something interesting or not. I will discover it this night, though. That's why I search for Akiyama and I see him sitting in a table instead of on the counter. I prefer that, no one except us will hear us. So I go to ask for a drink and after, I go to meet him. My glass touches the table and I sit in front of him. He is smiling to me, really handsome, and I notice that for first time, he isn’t wearing that suit of security guard, but an opened white shirt, black trousers and his hair has a really cool hairstyle. I would have to be blind if I didn’t see he was breath-taking. Instead of him, I just wear a simple black T-shirt and jeans. My hair meanwhile... It's all a mess so I don't even try to fix it anymore. So here we are.

“Has the bar been hard to find?” he asks to break the ice. It is in a zone a bit dark of the city, but it is really nice to get into this part. It's been a long time since I didn’t walk around Sapporo.

“No, I didn’t stay more than ten minutes doing circles” I joke and both of us laugh. For some reason, the tense ambient starts to decrease and slowly, a sense of confidence between us is built fast, what makes me smile at him back. The both of us are mature enough to remember that moment as just a mistake from a teenager. I'm not even embarrassed anymore.

“Well, it has to be this bar, it's my favourite after all” he sips a bit of his cocktail through the straw, trying to continue the chat in such a way, without going to the subject directly so I won't be the one bringing it up then.

“Why is it your favourite?” I ask normally, contributing to make that flow as easy as possible while my lips are taking a sip of my own cocktail that tastes really sweet and fresh.

“It is quiet, not too crowded, also the barman is my friend” he chuckles embarrassed and I get why he comes here then. Indeed, that's funny and I laugh along with him. However, we reach a dead point in the chat where no one knows how to continue or how to really get into the main subject. So I just wait until it's him who decides to stop wasting time.

“I'm glad to see you've been okay all these years” his sincerity was reflected in his serious expression, what surprises me because I never thought he would remember me in such a way.

“Well, everyone has to survive somehow” I try to remove importance to it. “Instead, you're still working as security guard, aren't you tired?” slowly, the chat becomes like one which two old friends would have after years without having known each other. And I don't know if it's normal or not. The only thing I'm sure is that I'm kind of happy to have come.

“I think I will never be tired of guarding libraries. It may look simple, but for me, it's a really important role” he explains to me with a proud voice about his own job. That detail makes me remind the good person Akiyama has always been and why I liked him in the past. Indeed, he is incredible regarding his values. It's impossible not to admire his way of defending his job.

“Yeah, you are so important for people like me, who without you would end up living there” I try to joke a while, gaining a sweet smile from him.

“I have to be sincere. Since you, I haven't found anyone else who stayed everyday until the closing” Akiyama confess, trying to surprise me, but all he obtains is a chuckle.

“I drove crazy the security guard back in Tokyo” we can't handle our laughs when this anecdote comes up. It's amazing how relaxed I am with him after all. I am really happy and satisfied.

“How was Tokyo?” his interest in my years there is unexpected, but not unwelcomed so I just talk about how university tried to kill me or how the big city was too overwhelming for me. He listens to me without a complain, no matter how much I can talk straight. He never interrupts me, only asking more and more about those years we didn’t meet. I thank him mentally because actually I was doubting someone would ask me about such a matter. So now, I am seeing again I'm not alone wherever I go.

“And you? How's that you changed library?” I change subject because after all we are talking too much about me and it's not polite either.

“You know, money issues” he chuckles slightly before sipping from his cocktail. I nod getting the reason instantly. The salary really changes from a public building to a private school. “Sometimes I still come back there, you know?” he continues with his gaze looking at somewhere in the club. “It’s nostalgic because I still remember where the two of you sat everyday” his smile is indeed nostalgic, but my face gets pale right after hearing him. “Do you know something about him?” he asks with a frown after remembering him also. Instantly, I deny with my head, not even wanting to say a word about him. Why does he have to be mentioned in the end? “Amano, can I ask you something I always wondered?” suddenly, Akiyama requests and my eyes look at him nervously. It can be anything and I'm scared of what I may have to answer. However, I nod. “Did you go out at some point in the past?” indeed, among all the possible questions, he chooses that. Even if in my head the answer is clear because we had always pretended, now that I think about it, only words were different from being a couple, because we had everything else. Feelings included.

“No, we never went out” I'm brief because I don't feel like explaining all the rounds and pain we suffered during months due to our cowardice and indecision. Nevertheless, Akiyama isn't stupid and exactly he is a security guard because of his sharp eye.

“Listen, one of the reasons why I rejected you was Midorikawa” once I hear his name a lump in my throat appears, not letting me breathe normally again.

“He had nothing to do with what happened between us”

“You still don't see it” his gaze becomes sadder when he says that sentence and I can't be more lost. A part of myself doesn't want to know, but somehow, I’ve got a small voice inside of my mind begging me to ask him about all he knows. Will I regret it? “Do you still think he approached you that day because he was bored?” suddenly, that question freezes my blood. It cannot be. “You never noticed him, but everyday he went to the library to observe you. The day he finally did the step, I thought he was going to confess to you! However, I think he never did it because you liked me, am I wrong?” Akiyama fixes the whole puzzle in front of my face and I just can stay there, with my red eyes yelling for crying. If there was already no day I didn’t regret what I did to him, now I understand I was a monster. A monster who played with him all I wanted.

“Actually, he did” I confess remembering that day in the station. His eyes are widened in surprise. “And my answer was if he was joking” the most painful smile is drawn in my face before I chuckle as my hand dries some tears that can't be inside of me anymore. “I wouldn’t blame him if nowadays he hates me. It's what I deserve” I finish my glass in two hard swallows and the sound of it over the table marks the end of that chat. “I think I will go. It was really nice to see you again, Akiyama” I speak with my heart because, even if he has revealed me tons of things that make me regret more my past, I have missed chatting with someone like him.

“You've changed, Amano” that is the last thing he says before I smile bitterly and leave the table. I need to go as soon as possible, I need to get out of there and feel the fresh air of the early summer arriving. I walk so fast for that that I'm not careful enough not to crash my shoulder against someone who is going to enter the club exactly when I'm going out.

“I'm sorry” I apologize at the next second, looking up to see his face and actually, those eyes are familiar to me. And what's more, he frowns a bit when he observes my face, but I don't recall someone like him and it seems like he doesn't know me either, so he apologizes too and we both continue our paths. Indeed, I am so overwhelmed by that chat like to be recognizing people, who may be classmates from middle school I don’t even remember. That stupid guy of Akiyama has really destroyed my good mood of having returned to my city by telling me such things. I was really happy, but now I just really wonder why I have had to come back. If I had known fate would hate me this much, I would have never come back. I would have kept in Tokyo, with my brother, with the few friends I made in my university, with my favourite library and my 24/7 coffee shops.

Probably, I would have stayed there to continue avoiding the chance to meet him again. The chance to prove if my real feelings have disappeared for real or indeed, he is still deep inside of my heart. However, I needed to prove myself I don’t miss him. I don’t need him anymore. I have survived six years, way more of what I thought I would handle, so I showed to myself I don't need anyone beside me. That's why I came back after an attack of bravery when I was chosen by the school to work with them. However, now I'm not that sure anymore when the first day of my new job turned out to be a reminder of all the mistakes and suffering the person I supposed to love had to live because of my fault. And now, already arriving to my place, there is only one question inside my head.

_Are you still hating me for what I did?_

*****

Now, I am heading to the library in order to start my first serious day there. Yesterday has been to get used and learn how the place is and how it works. Today I will be alone, really doing my task as librarian, what I have wished since years. It is true that last night meeting with Akiyama has really affected me in a negative way, so getting inside of a library is being harder than I have thought back in my house. However, I can't allow myself to fall again into regrets and pain as I did six years ago. I can't go back and change it all. I don't even know where he is now or what he is doing. Even if he still remembers me or not. So I shouldn’t let my negative feelings drag me this easily into that deep well of sorrows. I promised myself long time ago not to even approach it. Today won't be the day I will break it.

Then, I walk towards my desk to leave my stuff there and sit on the chair to turn on the computer, starting to classify new books and the returned ones last night. It is impossible I will ever get tired of working with books, I really find them interesting, so maybe it is because of that that I know almost every book there, remembering each plot when I read the title to write in the computer. When I get to notice this detail and me being such a geek of books, a small smile appears in my face. Coincidentally, two girls call for my attention with shy voices. “Excuse me...” when I look up to answer her, I find two young girls, probably from preparatory, with red cheeks and chuckling as if their embarrassment is killing them. Actually, I won't lie, it is the first time that this happens to me. Until now, girls and women have showed zero reaction when I am around so at this moment, even I am feeling uncomfortable. That’s why I smile back and keep looking at them the best I can not to show I am embarrassed too.

Luckily I don’t have those teen hormones that are uncontrollable, so only they highlight in this strange moment. “We want to take this book...” the other girl speaks with the happiness of being doing something that requires so much courage. Not wanting to feed them with useless, nice words or handsome smiles, my hand only grabs the book to note down the number and I ask her library ID to register who takes it in case of not returning it in a week. When it is done, my serious face shows a tender smile again to give them the stuff and both girls say goodbye with euphoria, turning around and going away in a rush while I still can hear their high-pitched voices. I shake my head, wondering why young girls have to be so evident nowadays. It’s not like I am an idol or alike, just a simple librarian, they shouldn’t make such a fuss about someone like me.

It is better to focus instead of thinking about that because I am sure this situation will be repeated a lot from now on, so I get up to walk toward the book cart to place them in the shelves correctly. Suddenly, when my sight is raised, the security guard appears in front of me with brilliant eyes. I greet him with a smile as I continue ordering the returned books. “Are you okay?” he asks with a low voice. I turn around to face him properly and answer in the way I couldn’t last night.

“Nothing related to him can affect me anymore” I lie. I pretend. I fake. And it's not to convince Akiyama, but to convince myself there's no way I can be affected after six years. I haven't thought properly about the meaning behind his words from last night indeed because I'm not sure I want to know what he really meant with them, so I am speaking it up now to accept finally he is out of my life and there's no way he can hurt me anymore. “I was tired yesterday. That's all” I finish the subject with another lie and return to my task there as my ears wait for his answer.

“I understand, you have to be ready to handle all the crazy girls in love with you” he follows me in ending that and starts a new conversation which I find really amusing.

“What's wrong with nowadays girls? I'm not an idol” my surprise is evident in my reply, what makes Akiyama laugh softly not to bother anyone around. Then, he pats my shoulder.

“Realize the handsome man you've become, Amano. It's a mere of time you will get famous between them. Be ready when that will happen” somehow, he leaves right after saying such strange things and also leaves me puzzled because I don't understand several facts. First, I've not grown up handsome, or not under my eyes. Second, it's impossible I can get famous among teenagers. And third, what am I supposed to get ready for? Are they that crazy? He has kind of scared me with all that bullshit I don't even get so not to get paranoid since the very first day, I just try to continue my journey there, wanting to believe he is just joking and that won't really happen.

However, weeks start to go by and indeed, even young boys come to see if I am real or not. Everyday I have new groups of different classes coming to visit me as if I am a monkey in a zoo or something alike. I try to get used because after all they are young and indeed, even I am not safe of how stupid we can be at that age. But it's a library and I'm beginning to get tired of the girls who come to bother others just for looking at me. So sometimes I have to lower my nice behaviour and be a bit rude with them. And against all odds, that seems as attracting them even more and I just can wonder what's really wrong with all of them, liking older guys who treat them rudely. I seriously can't imagine how their minds work.

And in the middle of this chaos, Akiyama is always beside me to help me by calming all of them or just by kicking them all out if they are too noisy. He's always reminding me how he has warned me at first and I'm always answering him the same. “Just shut up”. Lately, I am being really suffocated because the more days go by, the more people come to make a fuss about me. Even some teachers are starting to complain about me and I am not able to defend myself in anyway because I don't do more than my work. That's why Akiyama ends up defending me in front of them, calming the girls or even he takes me to drink something at Remedy's from time to time. He really helps to avoid my own mental breakdown after just one month working here. I would be done if Akiyama weren't here.

That's why, as any other day, I go to work not thinking about what's going to happen, as any other day obviously, and I open the library with my own keys, noticing it's weird that Akiyama isn't already here to open it himself and greet me as every morning. I don't care too much about that because indeed, last night we went to have a drink and after talking for so long, we kept until late, maybe he has overslept after all. Thanks to that, I smile amused. I can't forget the detail of how close we've become due to all he has helped me during these weeks. I'm always deeply grateful with him so inviting him is the least I can do. However, we've started again to talk about everything, to tell each other any problem we have. Slowly, I end up reminding why I fell in love with Akiyama in the past. He's sweet, nice, thoughtful, intelligent, funny, generous. Aside of his handsome appearance, it looks like a joke he's still single, but indeed as he always says “the right person never arrives”.

And every time I hear that phrase makes me think that my right person never arrives either. Or maybe he arrived long time ago and I wasted it. That doubt inside of me appears from time to time to bother me when I'm alone as that moment that my hands are piling up some books to order them. That's why when I notice my own mind trying to ruin my day since the very beginning of it, I try to focus only in my job and nothing else. Then, as the hour for classes begins to get close, the usual girls, who greet me every morning, appear beside the door to chuckle lowly and glance at me as if I can't discover them. Somehow, I hide my amusement because indeed, their behaviour is kind of funny. So when I return to my desk under the gaze of four teenagers, I don't even bother myself to look up anymore, my eyes only focus on reading the list of books a teacher needs me to prepare for her class.

Suddenly, the low high-pitched voices become louder for a second and I wonder why if I haven't even moved, but as they are always like this, I don't even glance at them. My body only reacts when a deep voice talks to me. “Good morning, I want to take this book” then, my hand goes instantly to grab it as my other hand finishes at writing a number. As long as my eyes are stuck on the paper, only my fingers feel that cold hand surrounding the book. At that moment, my whole world stops. My heart doesn't beat anymore. That coldness embraces my being too as it did six years ago. It hasn't changed. That's why when my eyes dare finally to look up, I instantly recognize that emerald green in such almond eyes.

“So indeed, it's you, Amano”


	6. Real Feelings

I never thought time could be stopped, that nothing would move, that I wouldn’t feel even the air around me, that my heart wouldn’t beat, that my lungs would be unable to breathe. I never thought such situation was possible. Until that moment when my eyes are just staring at that face I've not seen for the last six years, at those eyes that are piercing my soul painfully. I don't even know how long I keep in that position, with my mouth slightly opened, my hand still touching his and my body as frozen as if it were under zero degrees. The only thing that makes me react is his hand being removed from the book to fully hand it to me. Then, its weight returns me to this world where I have to grab it tightly before it may fall and my gaze is lowered to my stuff, not even knowing what to say there. I'm not ready to speak to him again. I've never been ready to meet him again after what I did. But fate has obligated us to meet even if I was just avoiding it year after year. Now I have to be consistent with my actions until today and face it as I can.

“Library ID, please” I ask just exactly doing the same as always. Escaping. Escaping from facing him. Escaping from the reality where he is, where he exists yet and where my heart still beats as crazy every time he is staring at me. All I pretended all these years is about to collapse as long as everything is a lie inside my heart and mind. All I have done during those long years has been chaining all the feelings he is capable of provoking in me with just a glance. So, no. I'm not able to even say a word. I'm not able to realize it's not a joke, he is in front of me.

“You're still as coward as always. Keep the book” those are his last words before turning around and walking away as elegantly as he has come. The girls greet him shyly, lowly shouting when he waves back, and then I understand why they are shouting. Indeed, he is breath-taking. His thin complexion suits his white shirt and black trousers perfectly. His short and dark, but messy hair is still the same as before but this time his face looks way mature with a marked jawline. I just end up being like those girls, being mesmerized by him until he disappears through the main door. And that's when his words resonate once again inside my mind.

“You're still as coward as always”

“I know” I mutter. “I’ve always been a coward, Ryou” my low words are followed by a tear that I dry instantly when I feel it through my cheek. All those years full of lies have been useless because now I've just seen how the wound is as open as that day in the train. I shake my head in disbelief, feeling as dumb as never and my gaze is lowered to see the book in my hands. It's a poetry book of Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer. A Spanish romantic poet from the XIX century whose poems are recognized worldwide due to his deep feelings portrayed into words and his delicate descriptions in them. He still knows he is my favourite poet and gave it to me. A book which isn’t from the library because when I open it, it doesn’t have the register or the school stamp. Then, if he has given it to me, there has to be a reason. That's why when I see Akiyama coming inside of the library, I save the book into my bag before standing up and facing him in a corner of the big room so no one will hear us.

“You knew he's here, right?” I say with the rage exploding in me. “You knew and didn’t tell me. Why?!” maybe, my voice is too loud because the few students there have turned around to look at us. That's why Akiyama pushes me slightly to enter a private room of the library.

“I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry for not having told you, but what could I do? Telling you so you would freak out and disappear again?” he speaks with a serious tone, showing me indeed I am a coward who lives escaping from hard situations. “I wanted you to face him. To face yourself finally” his explanation has sense actually and I can't say any excuse to blame him because after all, I know I would have run away if he had told me. It has been cruel in him because Akiyama has been hearing me talking about him during so many nights and he never said anything.

“And what if I don't want to?” finally, a few tears start to wet my skin weakly and Akiyama only grabs my shoulders.

“You better than no one else here should know that even if we don't want to, we have to face everything that comes, not caring if we want or not” his wisdom has always saved me from my darkest moments, and once again, there it is, making me understand my life can't end without solving the past with him. I can't escape from fate. I can do millions of rounds that my path will always return to him. It's time to end it properly. But do I want to finish it?

“I just...” I try to reply, but no words are able to leave my mouth. I just need to cry. And luckily, Akiyama hugs me tightly so his shoulder is here, ready to comfort me all the time I need to calm down. My hands grab his black jacket strongly, feeling a mix of shame and pain inside my stomach. “He hates me... It's evident he does...” I sob that fact as if it is the main thing that is hurting me. And indeed it is. All these years, all the blame and regrets I have weren’t enough to make me cry as long as I wasn’t sure if he hated me or not. However, today he has been so cold that I have now the answer which has been unclear until that morning.

“He's just shocked for having seen you again. I bet no one of you could react as you would have liked” Akiyama continues calming me down with wise words and reasonable conclusions. Indeed, I have reacted in the worst way possible. So maybe he has too. Or maybe he hasn't. The Ryou I've seen today feels like a complete stranger for me. So I can't be sure anymore. I can't pretend I know him anymore. We aren't anything anymore.

With that present in my mind, my weeping stops. It's time to go on. To accept we are nothing else than two strangers. To realize I can be okay with that. I could live six years without him. I can continue as before. That's why I separate Akiyama finally with a weak smile, showing I am better. His hand dries my cheeks rudely to make me laugh a bit and I stop him from continuing. “Thank you” my gratitude shows up suddenly, surprising him, and I receive a warm smile back.

“You're very welcome”

*****

I've returned straight from the school to my apartment without stopping anywhere or talking with anyone. Today has been the worst by far and I just need a hot bath and a proper meal. That's why I throw my bag on the floor to start to undress. Indeed, the hot water is perfect to clean not only my body, but also all the stress that day has caused in me. After seeing him again and crying in Akiyama's shoulder, my mind hasn't been able to focus during the whole day. It was impossible. So my work was full of mistakes and it just got me more and more moody. No matter how I've tried to look nice, this has overwhelmed me with difference. Luckily, there is nothing a good bath can't erase and now that I'm drying myself, I feel way better. More relaxed, sleepier too. That's why I go to the kitchen to prepare some instant noodles. After, I sit on the floor in front of the TV to stop my head from thinking during the dinner. However, when I glance at my bag, one book has fallen from inside.

It's his.

Hesitantly, my hand approaches it to grab and open it to check again it's not from the school and while my hand passes the pages, I find the index, what has a mark in one of the poems. Rhyme XIII. I have already forgotten which it is, so I'm not sure if I want to know why he has marked that one from a whole book with more than forty poems. However, the intrigue is so strong in me and I search for the page after all. Once I'm in that rhyme, my eyes start to read already remembering which is. So my mouth can't not recite it aloud.

_Your eyes are blue, and when you laugh,_

_their soft clarity reminds me_

_of the tremulous morning sunshine_

_that reflects into the sea._

_Your eyes are blue, and when you cry,_

_the transparent tears in them_

_seem dewdrops to me_

_over a violet._

_Your eyes are blue, and inside of them,_

_like a point of light radiates an idea,_

_it seems to me, in the evening sky,_

_like a lost star._

Exactly when my voice ends the last word, my teeth bite my lower lip as tight as possible not to cry again. This poem talks about how much looking into the eyes of the person, he is in love with, can transmit. That he has chosen this rhyme among the whole book just gives me mixed feelings. Is he hating me? Is he still thinking of me? Is he still in love with me? Why has he chosen this rhyme? Why has he given me this book? Is he trying to say something to me? Or is he just returning everything that made him remember me during all these years? He has always been an enigma to me because he never talks about what he really wants, he never says what he dislikes. All I can do is staring at his actions and try to understand how he feels or how he is by those. All I can do is thinking his reason behind having given the book to me right after meeting again.

However, a question crosses my mind fleetingly. “Why am I even caring about all of this?” I even speak it up to really realize what I am doing. If I'm okay without him, if he's just a person from the past, if I don't feel anything else for him, then why am I like this after reading just a rhyme? Deep in me, I'm hoping for all that romantic bullshit I've hated since I can remember. And that part of myself is so disgusting that I close the book and get it inside of my bag again to bring it back to its owner as soon as possible. That means that I will have to meet him again, but as Akiyama told me, I will properly finish everything with him also so both will be able to continue our lives without problems in our jobs. I think it's the best choice to choose. The only thing I pray for is not to mess up like I did today.

*****

Actually, I'm working again in the library as any other day. I haven't gone at first hour in the morning to return him the book because I don't even know which department he is working in. I can barely assume he's working there because of how girls behaved with him, otherwise, I would have thought he was stalking me. But that can't be, right? After what I did to him, it's impossible he wants to see my face again. Yesterday, probably it was only to confirm it's me indeed. And the book... Well, I still don't understand the book meaning, but I will ask him when I will meet him. That it's going to be really soon. Maybe not as soon as I thought because the whole day has gone by already without even noticing it, but for sure I will do it tomorrow. I'm just searching for the best moment to talk with him.

And tomorrow arrives as everyday and once I'm in the school again, I have two paths, upstairs to search for him or straight path to the library at my left. Indeed, my head is full of excuses not to seek him. And indeed, I obey those excuses and keep walking to my work place. Until someone touches my shoulder and I freak out even before turning around. “Hey, Amano, what's wrong?” suddenly, I recognize Akiyama's voice and I can finally sigh deeply. Only then, I'm aware of how tense I've been working these two days just by thinking I am in the same building as him.

“Nothing, you just scared me” I laugh falsely and once we are in the library, opening it as every morning, the security guard raised his eyebrow, waiting for me to tell him the truth. “Don't look at me like that!” I say bothered, but that's not an impediment for him to chase me with the same face.

“It’s because of Midorikawa, right?” in the moment I listen to his name, I turn around to cover his mouth with my hand, panicking someone may hear us.

“Shut up” I warn him. However, he easily frees himself.

“Then, tell me” he is more stubborn than me sometimes and it's clear he won't stop if I don't tell him.

“He gave me a book the other day. I just want to return it to him” such an explanation is easy to say, but not convincing enough for him.

“And?” he knows me too well.

“I don't know where I can find him” I say the problem. But not completely. My eyes are lowered. “I don't even know if I want to find him” my voice is low, showing how this is affecting me more than I thought. More than I want. He has been inside of my mind for the last two days no matter if I was here or in my apartment. I just wonder if he does hate me after all.

“I can tell you” Akiyama speaks up something I don't want to hear. In fact, I'm just hiding as I've always done.

“No, no. Don't tell me” I stop him from breaking my last excuse to continue being hiding. I'm not ready. I need to be ready to do it and meet him again to finally ask him what I want to know. But today is not the day I will do that. Because I'm not ready yet.

“You can stay like this the whole year” Akiyama frowns, noticing my own fear and excuses. He has always told me the moment to act is now and not when I'm supposed to be ready. However, I'm always paralyzed by fear, wondering what will happen if I'm indeed not ready and I cannot go back.

“Well, that's my problem” I sound rude for sure, but right now I just need to sit in my chair and just work because while I'm working, I'm not thinking. Akiyama doesn’t say another word, maybe understanding that it's too much to control inside of me for now, so he just stays doing his job around during the whole morning. I kind of thank him every time he gives me such a space when I'm not in the mood. We both know we will talk later.

Meanwhile, I continue attending people who returns or wants books with my best face not to let it drag me in a bad mood for the whole day. Usually, some girls come to just see me and mutter lowly who knows what. I don't pay attention to them until they approach to talk to me. Indeed, this is new.

“Hi...” a nervous girl speaks up and I look at her, just realizing how my eyes can trouble them deeply. “Our literature teacher asked us to give you a list of books he needs” she hands me a paper and I grab it.

“He told us to say that he needs them at lunch break in the department” another shy girl gets to speak to me. Meanwhile, the rest of the group is behind them, panicking without a visible reason.

“Thank you girls, leave it to me” I answer as always, but it's enough reason for them to flush and go away almost running. Out of the library, there are already small shouts that are too loud yet so I see how Akiyama has to go and stop them before bothering someone in there. I just sigh, already used to live that, and focus to prepare those books. I open the paper and read it.

**Teacher::** Midorikawa Ryou

Exactly when I have just started to read it, my eyes are already fixed in his name. Why is he requesting a list of books? Actually, many other teachers have already done it, so he has the right to do it. However, his timing right after meeting each other after six years just drives me crazy. And the worst is that the lunch break is just in an hour. My mind is sincerely blocked, knowing it's my job and I can’t not do it. I try not to panic, not to feel a hard pain in my stomach. The only thought which helps me to stand up and do it is that he may not be in the literature department when I will deliver the books after all. So being stuck in that possibility, my eyes read the five titles in the list and I go to the different areas to grab them. They are classics for Japanese literature so I can't think he has done it on purpose. However, I'm not sure.

What I'm sure about is that I will also bring the book he gave me and I will leave it with the rest so like that I won't have to meet him anymore. So with all of them in my arms, I go to my desk to grab his also and I check the hour. The lunch break has started ten minutes ago, so in theory departments should be empty. I tell Akiyama I'm going to deliver them without him knowing they are for Ryou and I begin to walk. I'm really anxious, and not especially for every student who looks at me when I'm crossing the hallway, but because I'm trying to focus all my attention in praying that he won't be there. When I'm beside the door, I grab the handle and without thinking, I close my eyes and open the door in a rush. When silence fills my ears, I look around to find the room empty of people. Instantly, I start to thank fate for not having me obligated to meet him and rush to leave the books over his desk. I have no idea of which is, but suddenly I see a photo of his parents in one of them so I understand that is.

After I leave them there, I grab the photo, remembering the faces of them, how well they always treated me, how even his mother thought we were boyfriends. My finger caresses that tall mature man between them just admiring finally how he has changed. How now he's way handsome, but also way serious too. I remember his face usually had a smile and now indeed, his eyes were just sad in it. And for a second, my heart wants to know what happened to him in these six years. Slowly, I place the photo back in its place and decide it's better if I go before I try my luck for too long. Then, when I'm about reaching the door, this is opened and a tall man come inside, almost crashing against me. The door is closed behind him by itself, but he doesn’t even move. Me neither. Because when I notice who is, my blood freezes. Our eyes just meet in the middle of the stopped time, but no one moves.

I notice how I'm taller and because of that, our height difference has decreased until being less than ten centimetres. Also, how his jawline is now sharper, making him look way older and mature even if he's just twenty five years old. His hair, still dark, but longer enough to reach his eyes already. Slowly, my palm itches, desiring so much to brush it as I always did in the past. However, it becomes a fist and finally, I lower my own gaze, stepping at a side to let him walk through the room. Then, I observe his back, his way of walking, his moves. Nothing has changed too much in him, though. Nevertheless, nothing feels the same at all either.

“Thank you for the books” he thanks me with cold voice and without even looking at me twice. Indeed, asking me for those books doesn’t mean anything. So with a small, polite bow, I turn around ready to leave this place in silence. However, his words stop me. “I wonder if you would have come by your own even if I hadn’t asked you for the books” his bitter comment with a soft, low voice gives me goosebumps. What does that mean?

“I had to return you your book after all” I answer with a weak tone, showing how nervous I am. I hate that, I hate how he is playing with me at that moment. Is it so hard to let me go?

“You could have kept it” he continues without raising his gaze, but answering so emotionless. For a second, I'm not able to say if I'm talking to Ryou or to someone else. A stranger.

“It's not mine” my vague answer tries to make this situation end as soon as possible. I need to go and stop this pain in my chest that doesn't allow me breathe. His mere presence just makes my whole body break by thinking I'm beside him again when I thought I would never see him again. Probably, I'm just suffering by the idea of being unable to just hug him again and forget all what happened between us.

Suddenly, he looks up at me. “Aren’t you going to say anything else?” his voice becomes angrier in a second and my eyes widen. Why is he reacting like that?

“What do you want me to say?” my reply is followed by a weak chuckle and not because I find that funny, but because I know the chat is touching the subject I have completely locked down in me. Then, as if those words have hurt him enough, he stands up and walks towards me, stopping at just a few inches near.

“Six years” he says with his face filled with agony. My heart hurts for a second. “We haven't seen each other for six years and you don't have anything to say?” his eyes, which were emotionless minutes ago, now are red. I clearly see his pain inside. They are like a door for me to read him. And the more I find, the more I want to apologize and disappear. It's not like I don't have anything to tell him, but what I don't have is shame to be able to say it all after all this time. I think he has already suffered enough because of me and it's reflected in those eyes. No matter if he is so close I can smell back that fragrance I've missed every single day, I can't do this to him again.

“Exactly because six years have passed, I think we don't have anything to talk” I lie as never in my life. There are so many stuff I want to tell him I don't know where to start. There are so many questions I want to ask we would need days to end. And still, I will make him believe we have nothing to do with each other anymore. I am the worst, right?

“Indeed, Tokyo has changed you” that horrified gaze he dedicates me when saying those words pierces my last glimpse of strength inside of me. Then, I smile as if he were right.

“No one of us is the same. It's too late to talk about the past” and with that smile created from the hardest pain I've ever felt, I do a step backwards and turn around to get out of there. I can't break at that moment because the hallway is still full of people, so I just walk dodging the students with a poker face. Not feeling anything. My legs just move by themselves returning to the library without glancing at anything in the whole path. I just take my stuff and walk to Akiyama. “I’m going home, be in charge of the library for the rest of the day, please” I ask him without giving him any type of explanation and obviously, he stops me.

“Are you okay?” his voice sounds so worried that I understand that's the last question I want to hear right now. It's so mean for me.

“Yeah, just a hard headache. Goodbye” I try to finish that chat as soon as possible to be able to get out of that school and breathe fresh air. The streets are wet due to the rain that has just stopped falling from the dark clouds in the sky. However, not mattering if it may start again, I just head home as if I were a zombie. Walking emotionlessly through the crowded streets. I don't know how long it takes me to arrive, but somehow I reach my apartment and in the moment I close the door behind me, my back is leaned on it to fall slowly on the floor. My eyes are filled with tears that begin to cross my cheeks fast. Then, my hand grabs my head and I only wonder.

_What have I done?_

*****

Several days after that situation, I haven’t seen him again. I haven’t seen myself either returning back to Earth after talking to him that rudely. After saying we have nothing to do with each other. Is that true? Are we in different paths already? I need to deny that possibility because since that day, my mind is filled with the fear of finding him again. In home, I spend the day daydreaming about what I should do if I find him in the hallways; and in the school, I spend the day searching for him everywhere. A part of me doesn’t want to see him anymore, but another one just desires to meet him again, even if it's just a glance. I think I'm starting to be sick of my mind because nothing around me has sense anymore.

And during all of this mess in my life, Akiyama has been so worried about me because first, I went away from my job without any reasonable explanation; second, since then, I've been so absent in my job and I take a while in answering back; and third, I haven’t showed a real smile in days. No emotion flows inside of me anymore but pain. A hard pain that drowns me in a sea of indecisions from where I don't know how to escape. I haven’t cried again since that evening either. It's like even if time has stopped when I tried to cut all ties with him by answering cold replies. I still wonder if what I did has been a good idea so he won't chase me anymore. However, every time I think about that, it's just an excuse. Because the real reason is that I'm just scared of suffering as I suffered six years back.

Indeed, I'm still in love with him. But now I'm sure he's just able to hate me instead. And as I said back then, I wouldn’t be able to bear his rejection.

*****

The soft music with low lights and a small crowd make this nightclub something unique in the city. Akiyama has brought me back here to finally tell him what's wrong with me and because it's Saturday and I need alcohol to see if it can cheer me up a bit. As always we grab our two glasses and sit on a table to chat privately. I'm unable to start it and my hand just plays with the ices inside my cocktail without even glancing at Akiyama. He just sighs so deeply I can even listen to him over the music. Then, it's when our eyes meet, mine being raised as a small puppy and he scratches his head.

“We can be like this until going home” he jokes with irony. “But that's not my purpose” his gaze becomes more serious and I look down, starting to feel the pressure of telling him what I did now. I need a push so I grab my glass and end it in two swallows. Akiyama looks at me shocked by what I've just done. “Hey, that's not needed either” he tries to stop me from standing up to get another one. However, I warn him.

“If you want to know, then let me do this” my mood is so bad when I speak that he doesn’t dare to stop me twice. When I return with my second glass and one shot, he widens his eyes even more.

“Even if I want to know, I prefer your health first” he clarifies with worried voice, but I simply don't care and my throat drinks the shot in a fast move. It burns as hell because I'm not used to drink at all. However, the heat inside my stomach makes me feel better and now, when I try to think about all what happened, a laughter is done.

“I'm so stupid...” I lean on my hand while looking at Akiyama and slowly, I start to tell him all what happened that day in the department. I sometimes laugh and others, my eyes are filled with water. However, I continue telling him, not only facts, but also how I feel, until ending every drop of truth inside of me. At this point, there are already two glasses and one shot empty on my side and I am kind of dizzy. I try to laugh again, but only a drunk smile is created in my face.

“Why are you unable to be honest with him and yourself?” Akiyama asks me totally okay after just having drunk one glass and, even if the bar is spinning around slightly, I take the question seriously.

“Because I've never believed in fairy tales of pure love exists, so when he makes me feel like this... I just feel stupid... Ridiculous... As if the whole world would make fun of me for loving him this much...” I confess as I can because even talking has become a hard task to do. However, I know Akiyama has understood me because his face is a pity one. The one I hate the most.

“Loving someone as you do is a gift, Amano” his words are tricky. Trying to convince me, but just getting me to believe even less.

“No, this is a curse... A never-ending curse... I just want to stop feeling like this...” I want to sound serious, but with my tired voice and clumsy movements, I could be mistaken with a crazy man in a bar. However, Akiyama sits beside me to try to raise me up.

“Maybe, you should accept and face it instead of running away with excuses” his wise words appear again. No matter how right he is, all his advices are always the hardest path to walk and I'm not sure of being able to.

“No, I still find more excuses... First was when I thought I was in love with you, but indeed it was with him... Second was when I was scared he would reject me... Third... Third was when I had to go. Fourth...” I continue enumerating all the excuses I've always put not to accept my feelings for him while he is helping me to walk by leaning on his shoulders with my arms. I have never been drunk before so at that moment, I understand why drunk people are so ridiculous while walking. All the strength in my body is like jelly and the balance has vanished inside my head. I could feel ashamed for ending like this, however, I'm way more ashamed for other actions I have done without being drunk.

“Okay, okay, but try to walk a bit more...” Akiyama isn’t even listening to me anymore and my mood just decreases even more. Just wanting to cry, I refuse to walk any step more, being in front of the door. Akiyama pushes me to get out, but suddenly, the door is opened and we have to go back not to disturb the people coming inside. I don't even stare at any of them because I still have some dignity, so I lower my gaze and attempt to do some steps more. However, we can't because a man has stopped in front of us.

“Akiyama?” that man says the name of my friend so I don't say a word not to bother him until they will end talking. “What happens to him?” slowly, that voice is familiar so I dare to look up.

“He has drunk too much” Akiyama answers with defeated voice and my eyes blink tightly until forming a good shape of the man talking to us. Especially about me. Then, I see the sharp jawline, now particular of one guy, and my heart stops hastily.

“Ryou...”

**Author's Note:**

> ❖ This fic will be uploaded every **Monday** ❖
> 
> ❖ Names Kanji Meaning ❖
> 
> •天野 勇 (Amano Yuu):: 天野 as _heaven field_ and 勇 as _courage_.
> 
> •緑川 諒 (Midorikawa Ryou):: 緑川 as _green river_ and 諒 as _reality_.
> 
> •秋山 守 (Akiyama Mamoru):: 秋山 as _Autumn mountain_ and 守 as _protector_.
> 
> ∆ Meanings were searched by me through Internet ∆


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